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justagalwhowrites · 7 months ago

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Halcyon - Ch. 14: Me Too, Baby

Joel helps you. A continuation of Halcyon from the prologue through Ch. 13, a modern no outbreak AU TLOU fic found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: SMUT! Unprotected P in V sex. Fingering. Childcare struggles. Modern No Outbreak AU, No use of Y/N, Slow burn, 18+ only, Minors DNI

Length: 6.7k

AO3 | Main Master List | Prologue | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Joel wasn’t sure what he expected to find at his front door at almost midnight on a Friday night but it wasn’t you with a screaming baby in your arms.

“Please,” you said again, your eyes red and wide and there were little rivers of mascara that ran down your cheeks.

“You’re OK, Goldie,” he said. “I’ve got you, you’re OK.”

He moved without thinking, just taking the carrier gently from your trembling hands. He had to almost pry it away from you, your fingers clinging to it like a life raft. He carefully tucked the handle over his arm and put his other arm around your shoulders, guiding you into his house because he wasn’t sure he could trust you to just walk in all on your own.

“I’m s-s-s-,” you closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to contain the racking sobs that were making your whole body shake. “I’m sorry, she just… she won’t stop crying and I can’t get her to eat and…”

“It’s OK,” he said gently, taking you and your wailing niece to the kitchen. He set the carrier gingerly on the table and took you by the shoulders. “Goldie, when did she last eat?”

“I… I don’t know,” you said, getting worked up again from what little calm you’d managed to gain only moments before. “I got her to take some of a bottle earlier but not enough and that was… that was… what time is it?”

He looked you up and down, frowning. He’d known things with Anna and Ellie were bad but he’d never seen you like this, never seen you out of control like this.

“It’s OK,” he said. “She’s probably hungry…”

“I know she’s hungry!” You snapped before you gasped and clamped your hands over your mouth, new tears welling up in your eyes before you pulled your hands away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s not your fault I can’t take care of her, I…”

Joel hushed you gently and wished he could just hold you for a while, get you to breathe, but that would have to wait until after he got Ellie to settle.

“I’m going to feed her,” Joel said calmly, his hands still on your shoulders as he guided you to a chair at the kitchen table. “You sit, it’s OK, I’ve got you, both of you.”

He went to the pantry and got one of the cans of formula he’d picked up from the store earlier that day. You’d texted him the night before after getting home from Ellie’s appointment, worried that the doctor hadn’t told you anything useful. He remembered the formula struggle with Sarah, how it took what felt like a small eternity for the pediatrician to tell him to change what he was feeding her when it seemed like all she would do was cry and all Joel wanted to do was take whatever was hurting her away. He didn’t want to put anything else on you and Anna so he just picked it up, planning to bring it to Anna’s tomorrow afternoon.

He made the bottle quickly as you sat as his table, a glassy look in your eyes as you stared straight ahead and Ellie cried. He tested the formula temperature on his skin before going and taking Ellie delicately from her carseat.

“I hear you, baby girl,” he said quietly, tucking her into his body just so. He angled her head and, after some coaxing, got her to take the bottle. She was still breathing in little, worked up huffs but she was eating, quieting as she did. “There you go, you’re alright.”

“How did you do that?” You sniffed, drying your eyes on the backs of your wrists.

“We’ll see how she does with it,” Joel said, looking over at you. “Sarah was real rough early on, too. Wouldn’t eat for the life of her. Turns out she was allergic to somethin’ in the formula and it was upsetting her stomach and there was something about the angle I was holdin’ her at too… anyway, I got some of the formula that worked for her, figured I’d try the way I held her, too.”

You just nodded before looking around yourself for a moment and then frowning.

“What?” He asked, watching you was he walked slowly with your niece, bouncing her gently as she ate.

“My bag,” you said, looking around. “I think I left it in the car, I wasn’t thinking, I wanted to write down what you were doing but I don’t have my notebook and I’m not sure I’ll remember it and…”

“Goldie,” he said gently. “You’re alright.”

You nodded and teared up again before closing your eyes and taking a deep, trembling breath.

Ellie drank most of the bottle and fell asleep before finishing it. Joel swayed with her gently as he set the bottle on the counter.

“Are you OK?” He asked, still moving with the baby in his arms to make sure she was good and out of it. You nodded quickly. “Good. Where’s Anna? Why do you have the baby?”

“Anna…” your lips quivered and you hiccuped. “She… She left.”

“What?” He gaped at you. “What do you mean she left, where is she?”

“I don’t know,” your voice was thick and wet. “I don’t know if I should call the police, I’m afraid if I do they’ll find her all drugged out and arrest her but I wouldn’t even know where to start…”

“What happened?” He asked, straining to keep the concern out of his voice. You were already close enough to a panic without his help. “Just… start at the beginning.”

“We had Ellie’s appointment yesterday,” you said, taking a deep breath. “It didn’t go well, the doctor said he wanted to see us back in less than a week because she’s lost weight. Anna told him she’s been trying everything but… I don’t know, it felt like he didn’t really believe her. I took her home and said I would stay over last night but she told me no, she wanted to do it on her own… so then I went home and I was working and it was late and she texted me to see if I was home and then a few minutes later she texted me to check my porch and I did and Ellie was there, she was just there, in her carseat with her diaper bag and the can of formula and Anna was gone, she was just gone, I called her and she answered and told me she’d be back but I have no idea where she went or who she’s with and…”

“Alright,” Joel cut you off before you fully panicked. “It’s alright, you got Ellie, it’s OK.”

You just nodded again and he watched you for a moment.

It was so unnatural, seeing you this way. You had always been so remarkably certain in his mind. You were the smartest person he’d ever met, you always had the answers, you knew what you were doing with your life. You had talent - so much goddamn talent - that it had never even really been a question. You had a path and the drive to find your way through it and, while you’d stumbled in some things, you were still you. This wasn’t you.

“OK,” Joel said, the baby’s breaths having settled into the steady rhythm of deep sleep. “I’m gonna go set her down. You go to my room and sit down, OK? Sarah’s asleep, this hasn’t exactly been quiet…”

“Sorry,” you said softly.

He gave you a look.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “I’m glad you’re here and comin’ here was smart. Just that I don’t want you feeling like you need to explain this to my daughter right now. We can deal with that in the morning once you’ve gotten some sleep. Now. My room. Go.”

You nodded and got up slowly from the table and Joel walked behind you, up the stairs and down the hall. You went in his room and he went into the room he’d pretended was going to be an office when he’d bought this house even though he knew he’d never have a job that required an office. Instead, it had turned into a storage room for shit that wouldn’t do well in the garage and that he was too lazy to move to the attic. At least, it had until Anna had gotten pregnant. He’d cleaned it up then, getting Sarah’s old nursery stuff out of storage and cleaning off the cobwebs and the dust. He’d even set the crib mattress at the height that would be best for Ellie at this age, feeling like a dumbass as he’d done it - why would you be taking your newborn niece to his house? - but he was grateful for it now.

He set her gently into the crib and she scrunched her face for a moment, like she was considering wailing again, but then she relaxed and settled there. He turned on the baby monitor - also from Sarah’s infancy, he’d been amazed at the technology in them now when he was helping you pick one for Anna - and pocketed the receiver before he crept out of the room, closing the door almost silently behind him.

There was a glow of light from around the frame of his bedroom door and he tried not to think about the last time he’d shared a bed with you, how you’d both ended up when you had.

He went to the kitchen and got one of the biggest cups he could find - one of those tall beer glasses he’d gotten at some Oktoberfest thing Tommy had dragged him to one year - and filled it with water. He grabbed a snack sized pack of almonds he had for Sarah’s lunches and went back upstairs, taking a deep breath before opening the door to his bedroom.

You were sitting at the foot of his bed, your arms folded and clutched around your stomach as you stared straight ahead.

“Hey,” he said, more to say something than to actually say that. You looked at him, like you’d only just noticed he was there. You’d cleaned up the streaks of mascara. “Here, guessing you’ve eaten about as much as she has today…”

He set the receiver to the baby monitor on his dresser before he handed you the almonds and sat beside you on the bed, his legs stretched far out in front of him. You opened the small bag and poured a few nuts into your palm before putting them in your mouth as though they were a handful of pills.

“This too,” he said as you chewed, handing you the water.

You nodded and took the glass, your fingers brushing his as you did, and you drank in big, desperate gulps, Joel’s hand coming to rest at the small of your back, slipping below the hem of your shirt to find the soft of your skin there and when he did, the tears started again, less overwrought and more like a release of some deeply held pain.

“Talk to me,” he said quietly. “What’s going on.”

You looked at him then, cheeks wet and eyes red and he just wanted to take you away from everything that had ever hurt you.

“I can’t do this, Joel,” you said softly.

“Goldie…”

“I can’t,” you said it with such certainty. “I’m going to ruin this baby, I’m going to ruin her and she’s going to be stuck living with my inability to take care of her the way that she needs. She’s going to be the one who has to suffer because of it, not me, her and she doesn’t deserve that, Joel, she doesn’t! And she’s… she’s so tiny and perfect and she deserves someone who can give her everything and I can’t. I wish I could, I would do anything for her but I can’t and…”

“What makes you think you can’t?” He cut you off as you started to edge toward hyperventilation.

��Look at what I’ve done so far!” You stood up so fast it made Joel flinch a little. “I’ve had her not even a day and I’ve already failed her! Anna trusted me with her daughter and I’ve done nothing but fuck up! I wasn’t good enough to help Anna when she needed me and she had to leave to stay sane and she left me with her fucking kid and I…”

“Why do you think this is on you?” Joel cut you off, watching as you paced, resisting the urge to just hold onto you, giving you a chance to work some of the nervous energy out. “Babies… they’re fuckin’ hard sometimes, they just are. They can’t tell you what’s wrong, they don’t really understand it themselves, all you can really do is try and figure it out and yeah, sometimes that’s a lot of trial and error…”

“Trial and error that I am not built to do!”

“Why do you say that?” He asked, not able to keep from touching you any longer. He got up and took your shoulders in his hands.

“Because it’s true!” You looked at him, your lip quivering and you seemed so small in that moment, like he could gather you up and carry you with him forever.

“Why?” He asked. “Baby, you’re not makin’ sense, you need to explain this to me because I’m fuckin’ lost…”

“You really think I’m someone who should be looking after a child?” You asked, eyes wide.

“Yes!” Joel said, baffled, looking you up and down like there would be some physical indication of whatever defect you were talking about. “I’d trust you with Sarah in a heartbeat…”

You scoffed.

“Why shouldn’t I?” He continued like you hadn’t made a sound at all. “I’ve told you before, I’m glad you’re in her life, I’m thankful for it every damn day! She needs someone like you - hell, not someone like you she needs you, why wouldn’t she?”

“Because I’m too selfish!” You all but screamed it, closing your eyes when you did.

Joel had the strangest urge to laugh. It wasn’t funny but the concept was so ridiculous he didn’t see what else he was supposed to do.

“What?” He said instead.

“I’m not capable of doing what it takes to take care of a child,” you opened your eyes and looked at him, pleading. “I’m just not, it’s not in me…”

“Do you not want kids?” He asked, brows raised. The question stung, as if you’d want kids with him either way so it didn’t matter but it didn’t sound like you. You liked kids. You always had. He didn’t understand.

“What?” You looked back at him, so baffled that it calmed your crying. “No, of course I want kids but it’s not a good idea for me, you know me you must know that, you must see that, you…”

“No,” he cut you off. “I don’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about, baby, you’re not making any damn sense and…”

“I’m not capable of doing what is necessary for a child!” You said. “I’m too… I’m in my own head all the time, in my own head or on the page or anywhere else but I’m not reliable enough or nurturing enough and he knew that and you must know it, too and…”

“Who knew it?” Joel said. “I still don’t…”

“Gale!” You choked on his name and Joel’s hold on you tightened. “He knew, maybe you’re just not close enough to me now to see it but he could see it, he could see me and he knew that I would ruin a baby and I’m ruining Ellie, I’m ruining Anna’s baby, I ruin everything and I’m trying, I’m trying so hard but I just can’t!”

“You’re not ruining anything!” He said, eyes searching yours. “That… that fucker? He didn’t see you, Goldie. He never did.”

“Joel…”

“He didn’t,” Joel said, his grip sliding up and over your shoulders to your neck, your face, holding what felt like the world in his hands. “He never saw you, Goldie girl, never. He saw someone he could fucking manipulate and use but he never saw you because you… Fuck, baby! You are everything and he doesn’t get to take that away from you! You… you are brilliant and fucking beautiful and you are one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. You couldn’t ruin anything if you fucking tried and that… that fucking guy doesn’t get to tell you otherwise! Understand?”

You just stared at him for what felt like an eternity, your face held firm in his hands, your tears on his palm, and the next thing he knew he was kissing you.

Your lips were desperate on his, more than he’d ever felt before. You kissed him in the same way you’d fucked yourself against him in the hotel, that moment he would have given anything to go back to and given anything to take back.

He hadn’t been able to get it out of his head the days he was away from you. He’d made himself come over and over to the memory of you pressed tightly against him, hoping it would eventually work its way out of his system and he could go back to thinking of you as Goldie, his best friend who he loved more than almost anything, not the woman he couldn’t look at without wanting. After three days, he gave up. He just hoped that, some day, it would fade and he could find a way to move on.

But now your arms were around his neck and your body was pressed tight to his and your tears were on his face and your kiss tasted like almonds and salt and he knew there would be no coming back from this. Not for him.

He guided you back toward the bed, turning you so your legs were against the mattress and you eased yourself down onto it, fingers tangling in his hair, your lips never leaving his.

You moved back toward the middle of the bed and Joel moved with you, one knee coming onto the mattress and then the other, one between your legs as he tugged your shirt up and over your head, casting it aside on the floor. You pulled at his and he helped you take it off, breaking the kiss with you long enough then to watch as you deftly unhooked your bra and slipped it off, the straps sliding down your arms, the cups the last thing to leave your body and then you were bared to him there, the plush fullness of your breasts and curve of your waist and the way your eyes looked up at him round and deep and needing him in the way he’d always dreamed that you would.

“Joel,” you whispered and he kissed you again, his hands trying to go everywhere all at once. He needed to touch you everywhere, memorize everything, take all of you into himself in a way he never had with another person. He’d had the chance with you once before and he’d squandered it, too lost in the fact that everything was intense and new to really understand that it was happening with you. He had the strangest desire to swallow you up. To let the essence of you dissolve on his tongue like sugar so he could taste you and hold you within himself forever.

Instead, he found satisfaction in your skin. You were so soft below his touch and his fingers lingered on the small things it felt like only he could know about you, little swells and creases, things he was sure you would worry about him noticing but he loved them. All these little things that made you human, made you you and he wanted to know them all. It felt like he already should.

Your hips rocked up against him and you whimpered against his mouth as his hands skimmed over your waist to your breasts and he took them in his hands, marveling at just how fucking good you felt. Nothing had ever felt this good, nothing should feel this good but you did. It seemed forbidden, somehow, like it had the morning after prom and you both realized what you’d done. But even that cold memory couldn’t take away from this moment, here with you, warm and soft beneath him.

He pulled his lips from yours to kiss down your cheek, your chin, your throat, taking a nipple in his mouth as he cradled the warmth of your tit in his hand, sucking and licking at you, making you gasp and your back arch. Your hands trembled as they found his shoulders, sliding slowly over his skin and down his back like you were savoring him the way he wanted to savor you.

Joel kissed over your skin, trailing his lips and tongue along to your other breast, tasting that one, too, as you took a shaky and desperate breath below him. He kept going down your body then, working his way gradually lower until he reached the waistband of your jeans. He unbuttoned them and slowly, carefully, unzipped them, hooking his fingers around the denim and the soft cotton of your underwear but your hands met his and he lifted himself from you enough to look you in the eye.

“Want me to stop touchin’ you?” He asked, praying that you wouldn’t say yes.

“No,” you whispered but you still looked uncertain.

“Trust me?” He asked, watching you closely. You nodded quickly. He leaned forward to press a soft, lingering kiss above your navel before looking back at you. “I’ve got you, baby. Don’t worry.”

“Please,” you said softly, your voice shaky.

He turned back to the work of pulling off your clothes, tugging your pants down with you lifting your hips from the bed to help. Joel stood as he bared the last of your skin, your thighs pressed tightly together, feet propped up on the bed, your arms covering your stomach as best they could.

“Can I see you?” He asked as he opened his own jeans. “All of you?”

“You,” you closed your eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. “You want that?”

“I do,” he said. “More than anything.”

You straightened your legs gradually, relaxing them as you went, your hands sliding slowly, almost sensually over your stomach as you did.

“Want you to touch yourself,” he said as he took hold of the waist of his pants and the top of his underwear. Your eyes went wide. “You… you ever think about me when you do?”

“Yes,” you whispered and you closed your eyes again, swallowing harshly. “All the time.”

“Show me?”

Your hand trembled as you slipped it between your thighs, brushing over your clit for a moment before moving lower, the heel of your palm pressed tight to the top of your slit as he watched, entranced, as your finger slid inside yourself, whispering his name as you did.

“Fuck, baby,” he breathed as he watched you, your other hand moving to take hold of your tit, squeezing it and he had to remind himself to move instead of just watching you do the things he was ashamed to admit he’d dreamed of you doing.

He stripped and ran his hands over the inside of your calves to your thighs, opening your legs to him, his eyes all but locked on the way you were working just a single finger in and out of yourself. His hand covered yours and you gasped, freezing when he did.

“Keep goin’,” he said, gravel in his voice. You swallowed, hard, but obeyed and, when your finger was all but fully outside of your entrance, he covered it with his own, the wet heat of you on your own skin intoxicating.You slowly, firmly, pressed back into yourself and he followed your lead, his thicker, longer finger pushing in alongside your own.

You moaned as he did, the sound seeming to come from deep within you as he slid inside, something almost broken about it. He moaned, too. He couldn’t help it, already lost in just how goddamn warm and tight and wet and soft you were inside and he thought, for a moment, maybe he hadn’t imagined just how good it had been with you so many years ago. Maybe it hadn’t been all in his head, some memory gilded by the haze of youth and by his inexperience and by the fact that it was with you. Maybe being with you was that much better than everyone else he’d ever touched.

“I’ve got you,” he said and you nodded, slipping your finger out of yourself and Joel felt you completely grip some part of him for the first time in so long and he groaned at it, watching where part of him disappeared into you.

He worked you slowly, firmly that way for a minute, until your hips were moving almost of their own accord and he could feel the softest parts of you on the tip of his finger. He added another one and felt you stretch a little to accommodate him and you whimpered as you took him, one of your hands groping your own tit, the other twisting in the sheets as your legs fell even further open. He scissored his fingers apart inside you, opening you to him and your back arched and you ground yourself down on his hand, your pussy tightening around him.

“That’s it,” he said, not even caring that he sounded out of his mind with need. “C’mon and come for me, you’re real tight, need you to come.”

“Joel,” you panted. “I… fuck!”

“I’ve got you,” he said gently. “It’s OK, just let go for me, don’t hold back, never hold back with me, just let go.”

You turned your head and buried your face in his blankets and moaned as you fell apart and he couldn’t help but watch where his fingers were inside you, how your body fluttered and clutched at him, how your chest rose and fell, how your back arched, how fucking beautiful you looked when - for just a moment - he was able to drive every worry from your mind.

He worked you through your orgasm, his fingers stilling inside you as your walls did and he pulled himself from you slowly, gently, his skin shining with your pleasure before he spread it over his cock, harder than he could ever remember it being.

But when he looked to your face, your eyes were wide and uncertain and he felt his stomach drop.

“Is this what you want?” He asked quietly. “Because…”

You nodded quickly, cutting him off before he could finish.

“I want you,” you said, sounding breathless and fucked out. “Please, I want you so bad.”

He nodded then and moved the head of his cock to brush over your slit, trailing up and down and thrusting a little against your swollen clit. He gently, reverently, spread you open for him, exposing your grasping entrance to him and he had to resist the urge to press his lips to you there, to slide his tongue inside and devour whatever pleasure you would let him take. But he was already afraid that this wasn’t going to last as long as he wanted and he didn’t want to risk coming before he was even inside you.

Joel spread one hand on the soft of your stomach, the other fisted his cock as he pressed himself into you, a moment of resistance before he was enveloped in your tight, wet heat.

“Fuck,” he panted, watching where you were joined, just the first two inches of him inside you but you moaned all the same and suddenly, he wasn’t nearly close enough to you, there was too much of your skin he wasn’t touching. He looked to your face and you seemed to have the same thought he did, eyes wide, pupils blown.

“Please,” you whispered, like wanting him was a secret. “I… I need…”

“I know,” he said, covering your body with his own, one hand slipping below your back to hold you tighter to him, the other finding your thigh to pull your leg against him. You closed your eyes and nodded, a blissed out look on your face. “Me too, baby.”

He drove himself deeper into you, memorizing the way your body opened for him as he fit himself into the cradle of your hips and he was aware, suddenly, he hadn’t put on a condom. It had been years since he’d been inside someone without one - since the night Sarah was conceived - and it was a heady thing, realizing that there was nothing separating him and you. But instead of any underlying fear or spark of wrongness like he’d felt years ago with Sarah’s mother, he just felt right. Like this was how he was supposed to be, a part of you, breathing the same air and feeling your throbbing pulse and shuddering breaths from inside. You opened your eyes then and looked at him, your gaze locked on his as he filled you totally, feeling his head brush the back of your channel. You tilted your hips just so and he moaned a stuttering moan and marveled at just how clearly he could feel you like this.

He kissed you then, your mouth warm and soft as he ground himself deep inside of you, you grinding your hips up against his, your hands on his back, fingers pressing into his skin as he worked himself into you. He was reluctant to pull back even a little, the satisfaction he found from being this close to you too short lived. Almost immediately, he needed more, he needed closer, he needed you to let him inside your skin where your blood pulsed and lungs filled because anything short of that was not enough. Instead, he kept himself buried to the hilt within you, totally enveloped by you, the wet of your come making a sticky mess of him and he didn’t care. He hitched your leg higher, found ways to be deeper, bodies in total alignment when he pulled his mouth from yours to move to your neck, kissing and sucking at the delicate skin of your throat.

“Joel,” your fingers grew tighter on his back, like you wanted him impossibly closer, too. “I’m going to come, I…”

“Not gonna last when you do,” he said, his own climax already so much closer than he wanted it to be. He wished he could spend hours inside you like this, pulling orgasm after orgasm from you. “I…”

“Don’t leave me,” you tightened your leg on his hip, your arms pulling him so close to you. “Please don’t leave me.”

“Not leaving,” he said, fucking into you a little harder, pressing as deep as he possibly could with each and every motion, brushing his lips against the skin of your throat. “Never leaving, you’re OK.”

“Joel,” you said again, your fingers going from his back to his hair, pulling his face from your neck. Your eyes searched his for a moment before you pulled his mouth to yours and kissed him, rocking your hips up against him before holding them there and he felt you come apart then, in a way that seemed like your entire being was throbbing around him so hot and tight it almost hurt before he gave into his own orgasm, his fingers pressing deep into the softness of your thigh, the small of your back, holding you as close as he could as he emptied himself into you.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever come that hard in his life, not even his first time with you 15 years earlier, pulse after pulse reaching from somewhere deep inside himself to give it you. Because, he reasoned, damn near everything that was him belonged to you, anyway.

Joel collapsed when he was done, trying to be conscious of his weight so as to not crush you beneath him but his mind and limbs were buzzing and he couldn’t seem to manage anything beyond just existing inside you for a moment.

After a minute, though, he came back into himself. He lifted his body from yours slowly, gently, you still breathless below him and pulled his already softening cock from your warmth, a thread of your come and his still connecting your bodies until the tie broke.

He lay carefully beside you, watching you closely, waiting for you to panic or run. But you didn’t. You turned your head to look at him, your eyes ranging over him and you felt so far away. He didn’t like that.

“Here,” he said, nudging you onto your side with the arm that was still below you so you were facing him. He pulled you closer before brushing your hair back from your forehead, your eyes closing as he did. “I’ve got you, OK?”

You didn’t say anything. Instead, you pressed yourself close to him, your face buried in his shoulder and your arm hooking around his back and he trailed his fingers up and down the path of your spine as he felt you fall asleep in his arms, feeling like you and him were right where you belonged for the first time since prom.

May 2008, the Tuesday after prom

Why was Ricky always fucking late?

Joel was pacing below the stadium, his footsteps echoing ominously off the concrete. Ricky’s last block was free, too. He told Joel he could meet him here, he said he’d come as soon as he was done with class and where was he? Not fucking here, that’s for damn sure.

He pulled out his phone and checked the time. There were only a few minutes left of the school day now and this wasn’t a conversation he wanted overheard if he could fucking help it.

“Goddammit,” he muttered to himself, clenching and unclenching his jaw.

“Sorry!” Ricky ran over, hiking his backpack strap up on his arm and looking back over his shoulder. “Ran into Kasey on my way out and she was a little pissed I wouldn’t tell her what the fuck I was running off to do so this had better be good…”

“I need your help,” Joel said, looking around him one last time, as though anyone really gave a shit about what he’d be saying but still. “And I need you to keep your mouth fucking shut about it, OK?”

“Sure, man,” he said, frowning. “Stays between us, what’s goin’ on?”

Joel crossed his arms, his thumb worrying at his elbow and he paced, his tongue in his throat now that he had to actually fucking own up to this.

“You and Kasey,” he said, watching Ricky. “You two are fucking, right?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “I mean we’ve been dating two years, I’d fucking hope so.”

“Right,” Joel nodded, his stomach in knots.

“Jesus, Joel, look like somethin’s eating you alive,” Ricky said. “What, you get herpes or something?”

“What?” Joel gave him a look. “No, Jesus, I just…”

He paced for a moment before coming to a stop in front of Ricky.

“You know I went to prom with Goldie, right?”

Ricky frowned and said your name, something that sounded so familiar but so foreign to Joel.

“Yeah,” he continued. “Y’all looked good together.”

“Right,” Joel nodded, then quickly added. “Thanks…”

“So,” Ricky said after a minute. “What about it?”

“Well,” Joel ground his teeth for a moment. “Well we… we had sex.”

“Oh shit!” Ricky laughed, clapping him on the shoulder. “Good for you, man, she looked hot as fuck that night. She good? I bet she’s good, she looks like…”

“Hey, fuck you!” Joel yelled and shoved him. “Don’t talk about her like that!”

“Woah, sorry, fuck!” Ricky said, his hands up. “Didn’t mean anything by it, she just looks… anyway, what’s the problem? You’ve had a thing for her forever, right?”

“Yeah, but,” Joel said, his voice low. “I didn’t use a condom.”

“Oh shit,” Ricky said. “Why not? You’re a dumbass but I didn’t think you were that much of a dumbass.”

“I didn’t have a condom,” he hissed. “It’s… it’s Goldie. I didn’t think that was going to happen, not in a million years did I think that was going to fucking happen and I just…”

“Just what?” He asked.

“What if I fucked up everything for her?” Joel asked. “What do I do? What if I got her pregnant? You and Kasey must have talked about that shit, right? Had a scare or… or something? My mom checks the fucking computer at home and everything at the school is blocked so I can’t even Google this shit…”

“Shit, man,” Ricky sighed, his eyes wide. “We haven’t had to deal with that. Fuck knows we’re not perfect about condoms but she’s on the pill. I don’t know if there’s even a clinic around here, I could ask Kasey, she might have some friends…”

Joel just nodded, still trying not to panic. It felt like he’d been on the verge of panic since the morning after prom and realized what he’d done. How had he done something so fucking stupid? How had he been so goddamn reckless? With you of all people?

He’d taken the fucking sex ed classes - which was more than his mother had ever said to him, only ever saying “just wait until you’re married before you go thinking about that” - and he knew that it only took one time, one time of him being a fucking idiot and giving in to what he wanted so bad he thought it might swallow him whole if he didn’t to ruin everything. He knew he might have gotten you pregnant and it wasn’t fucking fair that it was your life that would get wrecked because of his stupid fucking choices. He’d trade places if it were possible, make it so he was the one who had to go through all the bullshit and get all the stares for becoming a teenaged parent but it was always worse for girls. He wasn’t stupid, he’d seen it at school and he couldn’t handle seeing that happen to you. Especially if that meant you needing to drop out of college and derail your entire life, everything great you were going to do, because he’d fucked up.

“Well, hey, at least it’s her, right?” Ricky said, pulling Joel out of his own head. Joel just looked at him. “Could be worse, at least if… you know. At least it’s your friend.”

“No,” Joel shook his head. “It’s Goldie. I wish it were anyone else. It’d be better if it were anyone else.”

Joel heard signs of people nearby and sighed.

“Shit,” he said. “School’s out… I need to go try and find her, pick up Tommy…”

“Maybe it’d be better if you gave it a few days with her,” Ricky said, looking Joel up and down. “You’re freaking out, man. You’re only gonna freak her out, too. Just… Calm down, get your shit together, then talk to her. It’s not like she’s going anywhere, right? I’ll help you come up with a plan just in case but don’t talk to her while you’re freaking the fuck out. It’ll just make it worse.”

“Right,” Joel nodded. “That’s… you’re right.”

Ricky clapped him on the shoulder again, giving him a friendly shake.

“Y’all will figure it out,” he said. “If anyone can, it’s you two.”

Joel nodded, trying to sort out his thoughts and figure out if he even could actually stay away from you any longer than he already had.

But, he thought, Ricky was right. You were the smartest person Joel knew and, for you, he was pretty sure he could figure out anything.

Next Chapter

A/N: Alrighty, I think we have most of the missing pieces to the Goldie disappearance now, right? Yeah? Cool.

I hope this chapter was worth the wait! I know it's been a long time coming for these two and they certainly still have a LOT to work through - the angst is still gonna be angstening for a bit yet because it's me BUT at least they got this far. Thanks for coming along for the ride! I really couldn't love and appreciate you all more.

Love you!!

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x oc #smut fic #the slow burn finally paid off omfg #halcyon #fucktacular

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callme-holly · 13 days ago

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Hheelloo, I love your work, your my favorite writer for The Outsiders!! I was wondering if you could write for Darry, I've had a specific scenario for him in my mind. So hear me out, y/n met Darry and the gang after defending Pony from some socs one time, maybe the socs from the beginning of the book/movie, and after y/n and Darry bond and get together. Then, one day, those same socs jump y/n, so this time, it's Darry saving y/n. Idk man, I've just been craving a big strong man to save me in the middle of a crisis, and I wish that man was Darry lol.

𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐲𝐨𝐧 [𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫]

halcyon: (adj.) denoting a time or feeling of idyllic happiness and tranquillity, often despite the chaos that surrounds it. a/n: i love darry sm. sorry if this is messy i was stressing so bad whilst writing it. i'll read it tmr!!

The situation was ironic really, so much so that if you weren’t currently shaking from head to toe with nerves, tears stinging at your eyes, and anxiety coursing through your veins, you’d probably laugh about it.

It felt like only yesterday that you’d saved Ponyboy from a group of socs, stepping in and shouting at them until they scattered and ran back to their car, though not without spitting various threats your way, words you’d chalked up to be nothing more than empty bullshit. You'd forgotten about them the second the kid’s brother had come to thank you; all memories of the socs dashed as you both talked for what seemed like hours, a connection forming between the two of you, something so strong that you both started dating around a month after the event.

The socs and their threats had never revisited your mind again, at least not until they had started following you home, leaving you in the situation you were in now. You'd never thought they’d hit a girl; it was a basic rule set among both greasers and the socs that no matter how deep their feud ran, they never dragged the girls in—or at least not the ones who didn’t need to be involved. But clearly you were wrong, and they’d left you with multiple bruises along various expenses of skin and a few little scrapes that could have been much worse if Darry hadn’t appeared.

“Hey,” his voice is gruff, cutting through your spinning mind, but it holds a warmth to it that has you leaning into his arms. “Look at me, hon. You okay?”

You nod, unable to find your words as you take a shuddering breath. You hadn’t protested when he’d carried you back to his, setting you gently onto the couch and fussing over you as if you were a sick, vulnerable child.

“What happened?" His hand presses against a particularly nasty bruise along one side of your rib cage, causing you to wince as his calloused finger grazes across your tender skin. “Was it the same ones who jumped Pony?" His expression is grim, and you can see the frustration that is staring to bubble up, his eyes dark with a protectiveness you've only ever seen with his brothers.

"Yeah," you mumble, swallowing past the lump in your throat. "They followed me home. think it's because... you know." He does know. They've been after you ever since you'd defended his brother, and while you seemed entirely oblivious to it, he'd been doing everything he could possibly think of to keep you out of it... And, of course, the one day he wasn't able to do so, someone had hurt you.

He lets out a heavy sigh, sitting beside you and carefully pulling you into his lap, resting you against his chest and holding you close. The contact feels reassuringly normal, even though the anxiety is still swilring around your core and threatening to boil over at any moment. “I've got you..." he murmurs into your hair, his large hands stroking slowly along your back and rubbing soothing circles on your skin, a steady flow of reassurances running through him as he whispers to you softly.

Your breathing evens out somewhat, and your heart pounds harder against your ribcage as he continues to speak in low tones to you, trying to calm you down enough that you're not overwhelmed by the fear. "I should have been there, sweetheart. Im so sorry."

You cut him off quickly, sensing the self-doubt in his voice and glancing up at him through your lashes. "Stop..." you whisper, shaking your head. "It isn't your fault, Darry. They would have done it "Stop,... I should have realised... I'm just lucky you got there when you did."

He's silent for a few seconds, the weight of your words washing over him. You're right; it couldn've been a whole lot worse if he hadn't gotten there in time... "I guess I owed you for saving Pony." he says eventually, smiling weakly down at you, and you can't help but return it.

"really? I thought you did it because you loved me. Your tone is light-hearted and teasing, and the weight in his shoulders seems to lift ever so slightly, your anxiety dispersing the tintiest.

"Well... yeah, kind of." His lips quirk upwards, and you bury your face in his chest, your chest fluttering as he presses a kiss to your hair.

#the outsiders x reader #darry curtis x reader #darrel curtis x reader #darry curtis imagine #darry curtis headcanons #the outsiders imagine

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nicoleeblossom · 1 year ago

Text

Lieutenant Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley…💀

main masterlist📌 | Lt. Riley Recs Part 2

*·˚Don’t forget to reblog, follow, like, and comment on the authors’ or artists’ pages. Show them some love!

*·˚Broken link or @? Pop a note in the comments or my ask box.

Works by @ghostsareeverywhereblah2

Guard Dogs Pt.1: “He’s even cuter in person”

Guard Dogs Pt.2: “She’s always listened, just not to you”

The Progeny Series: “Shit, Lt. Looks like you actually have a real admirer”

Grumpy x Sunshine: Who in the world can be in a relationship with Simon?

Works by @lethalchiralium

Delicate + König: You were glad you had them both, satisfying your needs

Raindrops: He’s trying to remember every moment

Works by @ghosts-cyphera

Bloodied Bullets, Soft Confessions: “I guess I’d been lucky so far.”

Pornstar Ghost: All genuine, from both of you

Works by @peachesofteal

Dead Disco: The one that’s always left behind

Light On: Simon has a new neighbor

Through Me (The Flood): Still, even in this moment, you leave him breathless

Works by @lvrxly

Singledad!Ghost: "Eh, I kinda like your son more than you, he's less broody," You tease

An Odd Feeling:

Works by @chaosandmarigolds

Among the Bullets Ch.1 Pt.1, Ch.1 Pt.2, Ch.2 Pt.1 , Ch.2 Pt.2: “Adrenaline makes the body do some pretty insane things, sir.”

Pre-K Universe

Works by @tojisun

My Baby Swinging: Simon and his pretty little sweetheart’s adventures

The Apple that rolled over to The Tree

It Takes A Rampage (to be a dad)

HockeyPlayer!Simon

Works by @bi-writes

Final Girl

Pregnant!Reader Snapping at Simon

Clean Up Call

Works by @writersdrug

Training For Two

Tea and Cigarettes

Works by @halcyone-of-the-sea

Sole Survivor: “Who’s the guy with the mohawk?”

Digging Gaze: But he was afraid, as well. Terrified

Cherry by @barefoothighlander: Ghost finds out about your side gig

The Captain by @as-is-above-so-below: Ghost’s wife joins the team on an op agaisnt his wishes

Bleeding Out Pt.1, Bleeding Out Pt.2 and Bleeding Out Pt.3 by @constantcrisis19: A bomb almost levels the entire town. Ghost extracts you.

Oneshots & Multichapter and Price’s Birthday by @rileyslibrary: An entire collection of Simon Riley oneshots

The Things I Never Said Pt.1 and The Things I Never Said Pt.2 by @lvlyghost: When the inevitable happens, you run

Ghost in the Austrian Asylum by @prazinos: The two of you want him as well

Painless Bruises by @tacticaldiary: Avoiding Simon’s gaze is harder than it’s ever been

The Experiments by @diaryofanidiot: Forced to fight and claw her way to live

The Accused by @amoristt: You fucking ran. What choice did you have?

Badges of Honor by @clairdelunelove: Ghost always recieves the biggest stickers

King!Ghost x Princess!Reader by @hyperactively-me: Stubborn Princess who warms up to the King

Ghost x Civillian Masterlist by @sim0nril3y: How he met his civillian and fell in love

The Twins by @princessdimondheart: He saw his own eyes

How many fingers am I holding up by @sprout-fics: “Don’t hate me for this, Si.” You think weakly

Lime-Sized by @imperihoe-writes: Sighing happily, she wiggled a bit deeper into his embrace

Bodyguard!Simon x Popstar!Reader by @xo-cod: Simon looks on in pride

Phantom Frost Line by @diejager: You’re a new face, unknown to Ghost and he isn’t too keen about the news

Nothing’s New by @thewriterg: He held you like he always will and as he always had

Unmasked Love by @springtyme: she turns her head to look over at you with an excited expression on her little face

Welcome Home by @babygirl-riley: but when she was around wow, he would make sure everyone knew who she was

Odds On by @bits-and-babs: The smirk that had been threatening to break finally cracks across your lips at the confirmation of your victory

His Heart, His Light, His World by @thexsilentxwordsmith: "You deserve it all, Simon. Every once of it."

Unexpected by @dammn-dean: Simon felt a pang of something up his spine, similar to jealousy but close to disappointment in himself.

If Only You Would Have Trusted Me by @ltghosty: That was the only thing that helped you come to peace with the things you were forced to do in order to protect your family.

Husband!Simon by @ahqkas: he didn’t hesitate to scoop the smiling baby up into his arms

Glory Days by @sstormyskyesss: If you weren't focused on calculating the best strategy out of this particular setback, you’d be able to see the stars in Simon’s eyes

Simon Riley Collection by @starstruckmiraclekitty:

Cure For Me [zombie!ghost] by @groguspicklejar:

Who Wants to Live Forever by @writeforfandoms: Then his lips twitched. “Took you long enough.”

Vegas Wedding by @ceilidho: When he stretches an arm up to scratch his upper back, you almost whimper at the way his arm bulges.

Secret Haven by @lightwing-s: and the moment his eyes caught yours you could clearly understand his message.

Lovely by @daisies-daydreams: “Even though this isn’t on my finger while I’m at work, I’ll always act like it is,” you reassured him

Homeward Bound AU by @writeforfandoms: You spared a brief thought of thanks that your mother had taught you everything about this job.

Firefighter!Simon Riley by @thelaisydazy: He loves the ones handed over the counter by the cute worker that smiles at him and fusses over the dog every morning.

Simon’s Favorite Hair by @lovifie: And in that moment, with your hair still in his hand, he knew he was in trouble.

Coffee Shop by @sinkovia: His life was good, and he couldn't ask for more

The Next of Kin by @soapybutt17: Many eyes had lingered on you when they heard your last name

Nurse by @jayybugg: Ghost stayed silent. His eyes stay trained on you, no words or sounds coming from him.

Gold Rush by @midnightarcheress

Soft Spot by @cordeliawhohung

Hatred For You Pt.1, Pt.2, Pt.3, Pt.4, Pt.5 by @mangowafflesss

Dad!Simon by @tacticalgirlboss

Accidental Sugar Baby Pt.1, Pt.2, Pt.3 by @brainoutofstock

Special Eye on Singlemom!Reader by @bi-writes

Meeting Single-mom!Reader by @zvdvdlvr

Russian Roulette by @writingangst

No More by @mayflysdie

Footballer Simon by @dante-mightdie

Transferrable Skills by @dragonnarrative-writes

implied fat!reader x bluecollar!simon riley by @drgnflyteabox

Was Warm by @eevee-of-eternity

Ghosting Series Pt.1, Pt.2 by @bittersw33t-lotus

Weird by @fivechapters

Beaded Bracelet by @manicrouge

The Poor Decision by @ceilidho

Dividers by @bernardsbendystraws

#call of duty #modern warfare #cod smut #task force 141 #lieutenant simon riley #ghost #simon riley #lieutenant #favorite fics #fic recs #fluff #slow burn #smut #angst #x reader #nicoleeblossom

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ewanmitchellcrumbs · 1 year ago

Text

Sweeter Than This

Pairing: Billy Taylor (The Halcyon) x f!reader Warnings: Mentions of war and rationing, sexual inexperience, oral sex (f receiving), smut. Word count: ~3.1k

Summary: When Billy gifts her an orange, almost impossible to come by due to lack of exportation and rationing, he decides he wants to taste something sweeter than fruit. Based on this request.

Author's note: For @notasockpuppetaccount. No tag list - please follow @fics-by-ewanmitchellcrumbs and turn on post notifications. Community labels are for cops.

She sits down heavily on a chair in the staff quarters, sighing in relief at the rest she is finally able to give her aching feet and back.

It’s her first day at The Halcyon, one of London’s most prestigious hotels. Money has been tight at home since her father was drafted, and she’d enquired about work just about everywhere she could think of, in order to help her mother make ends meet.

She’d been surprised when The Halcyon had offered her a job as a maid, she had no prior experience and was certain they’d reject her. However, she supposes that in the midst of a war, beggars can’t be choosers, and they are likely as desperate as she is.

Her morning has been spent helping out Kate, a firm but friendly Irish girl, who has taught her how to turn down a bed and scrub a toilet until it gleams white and shiny again. It’s tiring work, the maze of rooms on every floor feels endless, and between being scolded for wrinkled sheets and improperly folded towels she is exhausted, grateful to retreat to the back room once she’s told she can take her lunch break.

Unwrapping the wax paper on the sandwich she’d packed earlier that morning, she wrinkles her nose in disgust. It no longer seems as appetising now that it’s been left to sit in her bag for hours.

She looks up as the door creaks open, a tall, young lad in a bell boy’s uniform walks in. He offers her a tight lipped smile by way of greeting, cheeks turning slightly pink as he moves to retrieve his own sandwich.

“You on your lunch as well?” She asks warmly. Having only spoken properly to Kate so far, she is eager to make friends.

“Yeah,” he says, gesturing towards the empty seat opposite hers at the table, “you mind if I, er…?”

“No, sit down,” she tells him, watching intently as he takes a seat and starts to unwrap his own food.

“Not seen you before,” he comments, looking up at her.

“First day,” she fiddles with the wax paper of her lunch, “I’m knackered.”

“Don’t I know it,” he says, loosening his cap and placing it upon the table. “Lost a guest’s dog this morning. Bloody thing slipped the lead when I tried to walk it.”

Her eyes widen in surprise, but she is unable to stifle the giggle that escapes her. At least someone is having a worse day than she is. “And I thought I had it bad scrubbing toilets.”

“You not eating that then?” He says, nodding towards her sandwich before taking a bite of his own.

She grimaces. “Fish paste. Not sure I can stomach it.”

He nods, talking around a mouthful of food, a habit she would ordinarily find disgusting, but she finds it doesn’t offend her when he does it. “Spam in mine. Mum makes ‘em. Same thing every day.” He swallows before he speaks again, with a slight raise of his eyebrows. “Tell you what, give me half of yours, I’ll give you half of mine. Less boring that way.”

“Yeah, alright,” she grins, sliding hers across to him. She watches as he takes half and then places the remaining part of his in the empty space.

“I’m Billy, by the way,” he tells her, the tips of his ears reddening, suddenly shy again.

“Thanks for the sandwich, Billy,” she says softly, before telling him her name.

They eat their lunch in comfortable silence, until finally it’s time to get back to work.

In the week that follows, her and Billy have lunch together every day, swapping sandwich halves and chatting about their days. The work is hard, but knowing she has a friend gives her something to look forward to, and she finds herself excited to go to work each day.

They talk about anything and everything, their hour-long break always feeling like it evaporates all too quickly. She tells him all about her dad fighting overseas against the Germans, and how she took her job at the Halcyon to bring home extra money for her mum, who’s currently doing factory work for the same reason. Billy tells her that he’ll be eighteen soon, and can’t wait to be drafted. His mum, Peggy, operates the switchboard at the hotel, his dad isn’t around anymore, so she relies on his help to look after his little sister, who he affectionately refers to as “the squirt”.

Shared lunch breaks evolve into after hours games of poker with the rest of the Halcyon staff. They crowd into the back room, sitting around the same table that her and Billy share lunch at, and play for cigarettes.

She feels her skin grow hot as their knees brush together, unable to help the smile that tugs at her lips as she watches Billy’s brow furrow in confusion as he looks over his cards, a lit cigarette perched between his lips.

“You’re smoking your stake, Billy,” she says with a soft chuckle.

He looks sheepishly at her, plucking the cigarette from between his lips, before throwing his cards down onto the table with a sigh. “Doesn’t matter anyway, I’ve got all Jacks.”

“Billy!” Everyone groans around the table in frustration, chucking their own cards down.

She laughs heartily. He might have ruined the game, but it’s impossible to be angry at him when his big blue eyes go wide and his lips part in shock.

Billy looks adorable when he’s worried, and it’s an expression he wears often; when he accidentally drops guests’ luggage down the stairs, the time he shuts a lady’s skirt in the lift doors, and especially when she leads him to the scullery, telling him there’s a surprise for him.

His concern quickly morphs into one of his trademark, tight smiles that indicate he’s feeling bashful, as head chef, George, flanked by the rest of the kitchen staff, carries out an enormous birthday cake lit with candles.

“You didn’t think you could hide it from us, did you, Billy?” George jokes, once the obligatory “happy birthday” song has been sung. “Eighteen today!”

She has her first taste of Champagne that day, each member of staff is given a class to toast to Billy. The bubbles tickle her nose, the taste is dry but not unpleasant upon her palate, yet it does nothing to dilute the bitterness that blooms heavy in her chest.

Billy’s turned eighteen, he’ll be drafted any day now and she’ll lose her best friend. No more shared sandwiches, no more ruined games of poker, no more stolen moments in the housekeeping closet where they laugh uncontrollably over stupid jokes. She’s going to lose Billy, just as she’s lost her dad to this stupid war.

Her heartache is given a brief moment of respite when she looks over at him, also indulging in his first taste of Champagne, and sees the way his face contorts in disgust at the taste. He’s always able to make her smile, even when she doesn’t want to.

It’s only a week later that Billy’s letter arrives. Due to Peggy’s meddling, he won’t be going overseas, he’ll be stationed at the nearby army barracks helping to man the anti aircraft guns. She is secretly pleased that he won’t be too far away, despite his annoyance at his mum’s interference. She feels she could kiss Peggy, such is the depth of her gratitude for what she’s done, but she does her best to hide how pleased she is, comforting Billy, saying how sorry she is for him.

“Cheer up, it might never happen,” he says with a soft smile, as they stand in the hotel foyer. Billy wears his day clothes, having handed his uniform in at the end of his final shift at The Halcyon.

“Already has,” she replies sadly, her heart twinging as she looks up into the big, blue eyes she’s grown to adore.

“How d’you mean?” He asks, frowning slightly.

“You, going off to war,” she sighs, “I won’t see you again.”

“Don’t be daft,” he chuckles, “I’ll only be down the road.”

“You won’t have time for me, Billy.”

He swallows, averting his gaze briefly before meeting her eye once more. “I don’t like fish paste.”

“What?” She asks, squinting slightly, confused.

“I’ve spent the last six months eating fish paste sarnies, just so I’d have an excuse to spend my lunch break with you. Fish paste is disgusting, if I can stomach that then it’ll take more than a stupid war to keep me away from you.”

Her heart flutters, her vision turning misty as a wide smile spreads its way across her features. “Oh, Billy…” she whispers.

Her fingers flex uselessly at her sides, desperate to reach out to him, and she sees his do the same. An opposing, invisible force hangs heavy between them, filled with unspoken declarations, drawing them together and yet pushing them apart simultaneously, until finally they collide in a tight, all encompassing hug.

He smells of Brylcreem and tobacco, and she inhales deeply, committing his scent to memory. She doesn’t want to let go, yet she does, she has to.

Adjusting to life at The Halcyon without Billy around is difficult. Lunch breaks feel empty and lifeless, the poker nights are not the same.

Billy still visits, though his presence is not as frequent as it was before. He’s usually accompanied by his little sister, carrying her into the hotel on piggyback before going to see Peggy in the switchboard room.

To her delight, he makes a point of seeking her out each time. He looks handsome in his uniform, filled with a confidence he didn’t have before. Animatedly, he tells her all about the anti aircraft guns, enthusiastically mimicking the sounds they make, causing her to laugh.

On her eighteenth birthday, Billy turns up at the hotel, looking dapper as ever in his khaki green trousers and jacket. He pulls her into the housekeeping cupboard, shifting the bag he has on his shoulder awkwardly.

“Happy birthday,” he says to her, almost nervous sounding, “got you something.”

She gasps, as he produces a large orange from his bag, handing it to her. The skin is firm in her hands. It’s been a long time since she’s had any fruit that isn’t mock banana; rationing and the lack of imports due to the war mean that it’s produce that’s hard to come by. The hotel’s chief concierge routinely has to decline the requests of high profile guests that request fresh fruit as part of their room service. She turns the orange around in her hands looking at it reverently.

“Where did you get this?” She stares up at him, wide-eyed. “Not even Feldman can get oranges!”

Billy shrugs, blushing slightly. “Oh, y’know, I’ve got my ways.”

“Thank you, Billy,” she says, voice filled with soft sincerity. An idea strikes her, excitement swirling in her stomach. “We should share it!”

“Really?” He asks hopefully.

“Yeah, unless…” she deflates as realisation of how busy he is now hits her, “you probably can’t get away, it’s a silly idea.” She shakes her head, embarrassment warming her flesh.

He steps forward, eager to reassure her. “No, I’ve got time, I can make time. I’ll come back tomorrow?”

She looks up at him, smiling brightly. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

He nods, half turning towards the door. “Well, I should probably–”

“Billy?” She calls to him and he turns back, a look of question on his face, eyebrows raised slightly.

She surges forward, pressing her lips firmly against his cheek, kissing it, before she quickly pulls away again.

For a moment it looks as though Billy has stopped breathing as she watches him, her heart pounding in her chest. Finally, he exhales deeply, his face blushing bright red. He grins and she smiles back.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Billy.”

“Yeah…yeah, tomorrow,” he says, adjusting his bag on his shoulder again, before slipping out of the closet door.

He stays true to his promise and the following day they go to the back room, the same place where they have shared so many lunches. This time they sit beside each other, instead of on opposite sides of the table.

Carefully, she slices the orange into segments, giving half to Billy.

The fruit is fleshy and sweet as she bites into it, the tartness of the citrus causing her to emit a satisfied hum as she chews and swallows it.

She looks over at Billy, huffing a laugh as she watches the way the juice drips down his chin.

He looks back, frowning slightly. “What?”

“Come here, you’ve got…” she leans over, wiping the orange residue away with her thumb. Her movements slow, her hand lingering against his face as her eyes settle upon his.

It feels like time stops as their gaze locks, her breath catches in her throat. She is unsure of who moves first, but their lips are against each other, moving slowly at first, filled with uncertainty and inexperience.

He tastes sweet, and their mouths move with more enthusiasm, both able to taste orange upon each other.

They keep their foreheads pressed together once they part for air, both smiling softly.

“I’ve been wanting to do that since the day I met you,” he whispers.

Their relationship shifts from that moment. Billy is unable to take her on dates, can’t bring her flowers, his time at the barracks doesn’t allow for that. They have only a series of stolen moments in the hotel to share, sneaking into rooms which have yet to be made up to spend time together.

It is all sweet kisses and warm cuddles, neither one of them ready to take the steps that go beyond that yet.

She lays against Billy’s chest on the unmade bed, his arm wrapped around her as the other moves his hand through her hair, stroking it. “Hate that I can’t take you out anywhere fancy,” he murmurs.

“I don’t need any of that,” she reassures him, “just you coming back to me alive is enough.”

“You deserve that though,” he insists, hugging her tighter to him, “when this war is over, I’m gonna take you out for dinner. We’ll get married, and we’ll have a house and fill it full of kids.”

Her chest fills with warmth as she grins up at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says, eyes soft and filled with fondness as he looks at her, “because…well, because I love you.”

Her grin grows wider and she kisses him deeply, feeling the way the skin of his face flushes beneath her fingertips.

“I love you too,” she whispers as she pulls away.

Their dynamic shifts again after that, their cosy stolen mornings become more heated, their kisses more impassioned, every touch is charged with intent.

Where she felt uncertain and scared of what lies beyond innocent kissing before, she now feels only desire for Billy, but isn’t sure of how to communicate this with him.

He pulls away from her as they share a passionate embrace, trailing kisses over her neck. “Can I try something with you?” He whispers.

“What is it?” She asks, whining softly as he pulls away from her.

“Something that one of the lads at the barracks told me about,” he says, not meeting her eye, “it’s how he pleases his missus, thought you might like it.”

She laughs softly, nervously. “Okay, but what is it?”

He swallows thickly, turning scarlet. “Can I just show you? I’m embarrassed to say.”

She nods, eager to see what he’ll do.

“Lay back for me,” he instructs, and she does, watching him through hooded eyes.

Tentatively, he moves down the messy hotel bed, pushing the skirt of her maid’s uniform above her hips, revealing her knickers and stockings. He bites his lip at the sight, never having seen her in such a state of undress before.

She gasps, her eyes going wide, sudden fear filling her. “Billy, we can’t–”

“No, not that,” he’s quick to reassure her, “not until we’re…you’re ready.”

She breathes a sigh of relief, relaxing slightly.

“But…” his eyes flit up to hers, filled with uncertainty, “I do need to take your underwear off. Is that alright?”

She gulps. She’s scared, but also curious and excited, she wants to experience whatever it is that Billy has asked to try. “Yeah,” she says quietly, “yeah, that’s alright.”

Gently and slowly, his nimble fingers drag her knickers away from her body and down her legs, discarding them at the end of the bed.

She has the sudden urge to hide her face as he takes in the sight of her, pupils wide with lust. She is torn between wanting to look away and the desire to watch exactly what he’s doing as he carefully coaxes her legs apart.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he murmurs, “I-I’ve never done this before.”

She gasps as she feels his tongue move against her, hesitantly exploring her folds. The motion of his mouth between her legs is unsure at first, but as his tongue flicks over her pearl and she lets out a surprised moan of pleasure, Billy grows more confident.

He repeats the motion, causing her to squirm and mewl. It feels so intimate, she wants to pull away, filled with shame, to tell him it’s dirty and they shouldn’t be doing this, but at the same time, every time his tongue moves against that particular spot she never wants him to stop.

“God, you taste good,” he mumbles against her.

The movement of his tongue becomes more certain, determined and he laves at her, flicking against the spot that causes her to whimper and grip the bed sheets tightly.

She can feel a pressure building within her, intensifying with every sweep of Billy’s tongue, until finally as he groans against her, circling her bud once more, it reaches its apex and she shudders against him with a surprised cry, feeling boneless as warmth washes over her like the lapping waves of the sea.

“Oh, my god, Billy…'' She breathes heavily.

He lifts his face from between her thighs, a smile on his face, his chin coated in her juices just as it was when they’d shared the orange. She can’t resist the urge to tug him up towards her, kissing him hungrily.

They giggle against each other's lips, both of them breathless.

“I…er…need to clean myself up before I head back,” he tells her, his mouth forming a tight smile, the telltale sign of his shyness that she’s grown to love.

She follows his line of sight to the wet patch on the crotch of his uniform trousers and they both erupt into uncontrollable laughs.

Oh, Billy.

Part two | Series masterlist

#billy taylor #ewan mitchell #the halcyon #billy taylor x reader #billy taylor x y/n #billy taylor x you #billy taylor imagine #billy taylor smut #billy taylor fan fiction #billy taylor fanfiction #billy taylor fan fic #billy taylor fanfic #the halcyon fan fiction #the halcyon fanfiction #the halcyon fan fic #the halcyon fanfic #billy taylor the halcyon

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slaytheusurper · 1 month ago

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⭑ Do it again ⭑

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Day 10/12 of Smuffmas! Bed sharing & Accidental stimulation with Billy

12 days of Smuffmas Masterlist

Pairing: Billy Taylor x Maid!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, alcohol consumption, making out and dry humping

Summary: After getting snowed in at the Halcyon, your coworker Billy tries to lift your spirits.

Taglist smuffmas ‘24: @venmondiese

“I understand madam, I am so sorry it will not happen again.” The lady slammed the door in your face. There you stood, looking stupidly at the door and rolling your eyes. Today had been horrible, the guests at the hotel had been snowed in and so tensions were high at the Halcyon.

And of course, because you were so stressed, you started making mistakes. The lady thought you hadn’t dusted properly and was having a fit about it. You couldn’t wait to get home, hoping that there was a way, somehow, to get through the snow.

“You alright?” A small smile tugged at your lips when hearing his voice. You turned to face your favourite coworker. “I’m fine thanks, just a rough night. I just have fifteen minutes left and then I can finally go home.” Your face contorted in confusion when Billy sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry.” You stepped away from the rude ladies door and walked up to him. “What, why?” His eyes darted from your face to the floor. “We’re stuck here I’m afraid, mister Garland has offered us some free rooms. Kitchens left already so they’re lucky but...we’re not.”

Billy offered you a sympathetic smile as your face fell. “Of course, after this horrible day, I might as well get snowed in here too.” Billy seemed to think for a moment. “Maybe- uhm...if you’re interested, we could hang out, play cards in one of the rooms. Maybe even steal some food and drinks. Try to make something out of this.”

He nervously stared at you but relaxed when he saw the smile return on your face. “That’s a lovely idea Billy, maybe Kate would like to join too.” His face fell at that. “Oh- no- uhm...she went home sick ‘bout two hours ago. She’s lucky too.”

“Really? I hadn’t even noticed with how busy I was.” He smiled again at you. “So just the two of us then?” He nodded with blushed cheeks and agreed to meet after their last fifteen minutes were up, he would get the food and drinks, and you would get the cards.

The whole time you waited with butterflies in your stomach. Billy had no idea how bad of a crush you had on him, and one day you made the mistake of telling Kate. She teased you endlessly about it, and tried to get you to make a move towards him but you were too shy.

When you had time to check your watch again, you were already four minutes late. You rushed down to fetch the cards and were now seven minutes late when you finally reached the door of ‘your’ room for the night, Billy was already waiting in the hallway.

“Sorry, forgot the time when bringing ‘round towels and then I still had to fetch the cards.” He smiled so sweetly it made you blush. “It’s alright, I of all people understand, especially today.” You nodded and opened the door for the two of you.

You were still in your maid uniform and Billy was still in his bellboy uniform. He awkwardly followed behind and the both of you settled next to each other on the small sofa. He placed some bread and fruit he had stolen fetched and a bottle of the cheapest wine.

You opened the pack of cards and started to divide them between you, placing the leftover cards on the coffee table. And so you and Billy played for a while, you winning two rounds and Billy winning one. Your arms shot up in victory and Billy laughed at you.

Then he noticed something behind you and blushed deeply. “We should make this even more fun.” You didn’t know if it was the cheap wine making him bolder but you fiddled with your hands nervously as he messed with the radio.

Then he finally got a good channel and a beautiful slow classical song flowed out of the radio. You were taken aback when Billy reached out his hand, standing in the middle of the room where there was more space.

Your face felt hot as you walked up to him, placing your hand in his, he didn’t really know how to dance properly, you noticed. But neither did you and laughs erupted from the both of you as Billy messed up his steps or when you stepped on his feet.

He then spun you around and pulled you closer back to him, the music almost seemed to fade as you stared into his blue eyes. His hat was long discarded and his hair a bit messed up, he stared back at you and noticed how he glanced at your lips.

When you glanced at his, he surged forward and pressed his lips to yours. As fleeting as the kiss was, it was still full of emotion and made your heart race in your chest. He pulled back with wide eyes and looked at you anxiously.

You then moved your hand to his cheek and pulled him back in for another kiss. It was more passionate this time, still clumsy as you both had never kissed anyone but it was driven by love. He sloppily kissed you back, trying to anticipate the other's next move.

When you pulled back for air, you both erupted into laughs again and you embraced him tightly. “Been wanting to do that for a long time.” He murmured in your hair, kissing it sweetly. “Then why did you never say anything?” You asked as you pulled back a bit.

“I was afraid, that you didn’t like me, and that it would ruin our work relationship.” You kissed his cheek, his skin hot against your lips. “It won’t, I’ve liked you for a long time too Billy.” After that, you both moved to the sofa and kissed until your lips were red and swollen.

When Billy checked the time, his face fell. “Bloody hell- it’s midnight already.” He squeaked out. Both of you were so consumed by each other that time flew by. “Nooo don’t go.” You pulled him back on the sofa when he tried to stand up.

He smiled at you and kissed you again. “I have to though, we work again tomorrow and we both need to catch some sleep.” You frowned and kept your grip on his arm. “Well...just- just stay here then. We can share a bed.” His reaction was almost comical with the way his eyes almost bulged out of their sockets.

“S-share a bed? I don’t know if that’s very professional…” He sputtered. “Like your tongue down my throat was professional.” He laughed at that. “Just sleep next to me, it doesn’t mean we’re...doing…that.” His ears burned red at your suggestion and he slowly gave in.

So you were both in the bathroom, brushing your teeth. When you were done, you loosened your hair so it fell down your back. Billy couldn’t keep his eyes off you after that. “What?” You asked him. “Nothin’ just- you’re so beautiful, I’ve never seen your hair loose before.”

You smiled at his words and kissed him on the cheek. “You are very handsome yourself.” After that he waited outside the bathroom so you could change into your guest nightgown, in turn, you did the same for Billy and waited on the bed until he too was changed into some guest pyjamas.

He looked even more adorable out of his uniform and you both couldn’t stop smiling as you got into each side of the bed. “Do you think anyone would notice?” He suddenly asked as you both sat up underneath the sheets. “No, I don’t think so.”

He smiled again at you and you leaned towards him, unable to resist his pretty lips. You kissed for another couple of minutes, both unable to let go of each other. Then you back away, both catching your breath before you speak. “Right, we really should sleep.”

Billy nodded and suddenly seemed a bit nervous and fidgety. “You okay?” You noticed the way he pulled the sheets up awkwardly. “Yeah, yeah fine, can you turn the light off?” You did as he asked with a confused look but ignored it anyway.

When you had both gotten comfortable you dared ask him what you had been wanting to when he agreed to stay. “Can we...cuddle until we sleep, maybe?” You whispered, a bit afraid to speak too loudly. “O-okay.” He still seemed nervous and on edge, you thought some affection would calm him.

You laid on your side and Billy moved closer behind you, embracing you with his arm, and pulling you against his chest. When you moved your bottom a bit closer to him, he backed his lower half away a bit, it confused you but you didn’t dare say anything.

Alas, you both fell into a comfortable slumber, until two hours later, you woke up due to having to use the restroom. But in his sleep, Billy moved to fully embrace you and you felt a very intimate part of him against your arse.

You tried to ignore it, however, your skin on fire as you moved out of his arms and towards the bathroom, not noticing he had woken up from your movement. You knew what was going on because of Kate and her way too detailed descriptions of her ‘dates’.

When you returned you were surprised to see Billy awake, his beautiful features lit up by the moonlight. He was still lying on his side, and almost jumped when he saw you. “I-I’m so sorry, you probably- uhm- felt it just now…I can’t help it I am so so sorry-”

“Billy…” You cut him off, “It’s alright, I understand.” You smiled at him and moved back under the covers, your back facing him as you moved his arm back in place. “So...you’re not mad, or disgusted?” He whispered. “No, of course not.”

Then you did something bold, out of your character. You wriggled your hips back and felt Billy’s hard-on press on your behind. “Ah-” He hissed, the friction of your thin nightgown against his crotch felt dangerously good.

“Does it feel nice?” You whispered, your voice low with desire. “Are you sure you want to- I mean- if you don’t it’s fine-” You ground your arse harder against him this time and his groan made your clit throb. “Do it again.” He whimpered.

You did as he asked with your lower lip between your teeth, moving your hips back as he huffed in your neck, his embrace tightening with each move. “Touch me Billy- use me-” You begged. You felt his hand slide clumsily down your nightgown. Hiking up the skirt and experimentally letting his fingers run over your soaked underwear.

He shuddered when he felt the damp patch and you moaned at his touch. His hips jerked forward at your sounds, and it felt too good to stop. So he started to hump his clothed erection against you, trying to stimulate you through your underwear.

The way you both moaned and whined for more only spurred the pair of you on. Billy moved his hips faster as he panted against your neck, your own soft moans filling the room. He was so close, just from a bit of grinding over the clothes. “P-put your hand- underneath Billy.” You breathed heavily.

Which turned into a gasp when he did, finding your clit as your moans increased. His hips now moved harder against you and Billy let out strangled moans as he tried to match his pace with his fingers.

He was first to fall apart, letting out a high-pitched moan as his hips jerked forward and thighs trembled. His cum wetting his underwear as he rolled his hips forward for that last bit of friction.

He didn’t still his hand in your underwear however and his orgasm caused yours to overcome you as well. Crying out his name in your pillow as your legs almost cramped up with the sheer power of your climax. You turned to kiss him and he removed his hand to embrace you again.

“Bollocks-” He suddenly exclaimed. “What's wrong?” You asked sweetly. “I uhm- I have no change of- of clothes.” You realised what he meant and chuckled. “Not funny, technically you did this.” You kissed his cheek and breathed an apology. “How about I clean it before our shift?”

He kissed you all over your face and you smiled. Falling asleep in his arms made your entire day turn around and you were feeling refreshed and happy the next day. The staff however were less excited about your newfound relationship, catching the both of you making out in all kinds of hiding places.

Divider by: @saradika

#billy taylor #billy taylor x reader smut #billy taylor x fem reader smut #billy taylor the halcyon #billy taylor x reader #billy taylor x fem reader #ewanverse #ewan mitchell fanfic

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genevievefangirl · 4 months ago

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Gen's Top 100 DBDA Fics - PART 4

For all caveats/rules/backstory, please read the Master Post

Halcyon Days By: cordelianoir @cordelia-noir Rating: T Tags: AU - Modern Setting, AU - High School, AU - Heartstopper, Protective Charles, Protective Edwin Payne Summary: There were a lot of reasons why Charles Rowland had changed schools. His suffering grades, constant reprimands over being out of dress code and the school’s growing suspicions about his home life were only some of the reasons why Charles’ mother enrolled him in boarding school for sixth form. There was really only one problem… well two problems, maybe three. ------------ When Cricket-star Charles transfers to St. Hilarion's, he urgently needs a Latin tutor. Enter Edwin Payne, a language genius but not very popular. As the two become friends, the past rears its head in ugly ways. Can the two navigate such a new, odd-couple friendship in the face of their pasts? And what happens if that friendship starts to blossom into more? My Notes: The most adorable (yet sometimes dark) boarding school AU there is! I think I speak for a lot of us in the fandom when I say this fic warms my heart. I'm not usually a fluff person, but this fic balences the fluff with the hurt very well. I highly recommend if you haven't read it already

half of my soul, as the poets say By: thegirlofthorns @edwinspaynes Rating: T Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, gravestones Summary: Edwin existed, just as Charles had. Charles, who occupied a space in loving memory. A much-deserved space – Edwin would have wanted it no other way – but the core of him wanted to scream that he had been here, too. He never would be again, but he had lived, and he had breathed and laughed and moved with too much frippery and frill to continue on breathing, and he had been a whole person, once. And it had not mattered. So looked at CHARLES ROWLAND through tears, allowed himself to. Even Charles's hammer on metal on stone was not enough to dull the pain, but it was enough to remind him that he was still here, even if he was no longer living. It was an awful sound, a jarring sound, and tears shone in Charles’s eyes as he focused intently on carving out the A in his surname, but it was something. They were there, together, and they were feeling. - Or, Charles finds Edwin's unmarked grave and will, in the lightest of terms, not be having it. My Notes: I love Charles being angry at the world for how Edwin died and how little anyone cared about him. This fic expands on that and the epithet that Charles puts on Edwin's gravestone is perfection.

head in the clouds but my gravity's centered By: shadowquill17 @shadowquill17 Rating: T Tags: Feelings Realization, Love Confessions, Protective Charles Rowland Summary: Charles touched Edwin’s face when they were in Hell, and it made them both feel better. So of course he keeps doing it. And of course it escalates. My Notes: Who doesn't love some intimate face touching from their best mate? I think this is a great tactic to use to pull Edwin out of his own head lol

Heaven To No One Else But Me By: coloursflyaway @coloursflyaway Rating: T Tags: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization Summary: We would like to offer you a gift, Edwin Payne, the entity says, and holds out its hand; Charles has to force himself to stay put and not step between it and Edwin, because it feels like danger, even if it shouldn’t. The entity wouldn’t hurt Edwin, he tells himself, and he knows it’s true, it’s just that it is so powerful that even the slightest touch is terrifying and Charles is terrified about losing Edwin all the time anyway. “Why me?”, Edwin asks, head raised high and the entity’s light reflecting off his skin in a way that makes it look like porcelain, fragile and translucent and beautiful, “Why not Charles?” There is nothing we could offer Charles Rowland to take his pain away, the entity says and its voice rings out in Charles’ head. But you, we could erase yours. If you wish us to. Edwin gets the opportunity to go back in time and change his life so he will never have to go to Hell, but price of it is losing Charles; Charles can only stand next to him and wait for his decision. My Notes: Edwin sees flashes of the life he could have while Charles just stands by thinking Edwin is going to leave him. It is so painful, but also so good.

hell or high water - Series By: oddessea @oddessea Rating: T Tags: AU - Different First Meeting, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Charles Rowland, Protective Edwin Payne Summary: Together - After decades of searching for a way out of Hell between being eaten by a large spider made of baby dolls, Edwin Payne is ready to try anything. When he finds a torture chamber in an out-of-the way part of the Doll House, he meets a boy his age named Charles Rowland. But, more importantly, he realizes that he might not be the only one who doesn't belong in Hell, and that, maybe, escaping is easier when you aren't alone. Feel - Every good detective agency needs an office, and every good detective needs a break. After escaping from Hell, Edwin and Charles want nothing more than to have a nice, long rest. Charles worries that something irreparable has been done to him by his time in Hell, but he can't worry about that now. The Dead Boy Detectives have their first case, and if they solve it, they may just earn their very own office and, hopefully, somewhere safe for them to land. My Notes: The boys meeting in Hell greatly shifts their bond and dynamic in this fic and I LOVE IT! They are so attached to each other and I can't! Like you think they are codependent in canon? Read this!

holding on to patience (like a sunrise) By: toomoon (jjjat3am) @toomoonfic Rating: T Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Touch-Starved, Getting Together Summary: In the aftermath of their appointment to the Lost and Found Department, Charles and Edwin's hug lingers. or, 5 times Charles touched Edwin, and one time Edwin touched him first. My Note: We can all agree that hug in ep 8 was great right? Well here's a fic expanding on their various touches after that!

I dont think I could stand to be (Where You Dont See Me) By: BadBoyDeanAsf @thepopsicle Rating: T Tags: Protective Charles Rowland, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Trauma, PTSD Summary: So Charles decides then and there with his eyes boring into the image of a woman who couldn’t have possibly been half as lucky as them that he would confess to Edwin. He wasn’t sure when or even how but he knows without a doubt that his partner deserved to know he was loved, that his feelings weren’t unrequited. - Six months after the events of S1 canon, the boys are trying to return to normal in London and deal with their own struggles. Edwin is fighting the grief of losing Niko and Charles struggles between worrying for Edwin and attempting to unpack his feelings. My Note: Charles worries so much about Edwin in this one that it makes my heart hurt. He just wants Edwin to be well again and takes him to see some art to try and make him feel better and it turns into some deep thoughts.

I Turned Back One Last Time (just to prove you were there) By: isnt_that_wizard @skateboardtotheheart Rating: T Tags: AU - Canon Divergence, Protective Charles Rowland, Touching, Touch Starved, PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Angst Summary: Since they'd fallen out of hell, the Night Nurse slamming the door on the awful baby doll demon behind them, Charles had been itching to touch Edwin. And it wasn't like his usual touch-oriented personality just wishing to have some sort of contact. He could control that easily enough after all this time. No, this was something different. This felt like a desperation. A need to be in Edwin's personal space, to keep his hands on him. He wanted to wrap his best friend in a hug and never let go, he wanted to sit as close as possible as they heard a new case. He wanted to take Niko’s place as she grabbed Edwin's hand to drag him to watch another one of her shows. He wanted to tuck Edwin against him as they sat on the couch. He would wrap an arm around Crystal and wish it was Edwin, who was merely across the room. --- After Hell, Charles is terrified of letting Edwin out of his reach for fear that he might get taken away again. He is, of course, being very subtle in his attempts to keep Edwin close. or a series of moments when charles can't stop touching edwin to remind himself that he's real and safe, until it all finally catches up to him and he snaps My Note: Charles is freaking out in this and the tension is palatable. In particular the end of chapter 2 into the beginning of chapter 3 gives me such strong emotions. I have reread this one so many times

i’d be the choiceless hope in grief [that drove him underground] By: Laney_Rockin @laney-rockin Rating: T Tags: Hurt No Comfort, Hell, Unhappy Ending, Angst, Orpheus and Eurydice, Love Confessions, Time Loop Summary: Charles had a bad feeling that when Edwin stopped running up those spiral stairs the first time something terrible would occur. An awful gnawing feeling deep within that he chalked up to a ghostly intuition. If he was alive he'd think it was a stomachache, almost on the edge of making him sick. He hated when he was right. ---- Or: Charles becomes much more like Orpheus than he'd like. Edwin doesn't blame him for it. He doesn't think he ever could. My Notes: We love Hell time loops! But also you want sad? Here you go. This line in particular sticks with me, I love it so much. (spoilers ahead!) - "I said the ending was tragic, not that the love Orpheus and Eurydice had for each other was. In fact, it was perhaps the greatest part of the story. Eurydice holds no ill will towards her husband even as she dies a second time. Knowing and comforted in the fact that she was utterly adored by him."

If I could hold you for a minute By: HistoriaGloria @historia-gloria Rating: G Tags: Case Fic, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Protective Edwin Payne Summary: "For as vicious as it can be for ghosts, iron is not as common as you would think. It is rare, in Edwin’s experience, that the supernatural forces they are dealing with actually know that iron hurts as much as it does. Rare, but not rare enough." Charles is hurt on a case, leaving Edwin and Crystal to pick up the pieces. My Notes: The fight scene in this fic really stands out, it is super well done. And Crystal gets to help the boys!

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liminalmemories21 · 16 days ago

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Fuck It Friday

tagged by @rcmclachlan - thank you!

A day late, but showing up nonetheless.

Remember when we used to write? Before work got insane for both @cecilyv and me? The halcyon days of December.

Anyway, a piece from before I stopped getting home at the end of the day absolutely brain dead and fried. From what has a google doc title of Academic AU. Side note, we've tried to write an academic AU in at least two previous fandoms, and I'm believing in third time lucky.

Tommy stares at the tweet, skeet, whatever. The post. Irritated with his hesitation. The syllabus has not gotten empirically worse since the last time he taught this class last year. He’s the one a year older, a year more calcified. Feeling like he’s tilting at windmills. Or like he’s Charlie Brown chasing after the football of tenure. The university always holding it just out of reach. Sighs and hits post. Goes back to his inbox. Deletes the perennial email about the photocopier. Deletes the email about the meeting room reservation policy reminder. Eyes the email about the university’s new policy on ChatGPT, and makes a bet with himself about whether they’ll have made some kind of sane decision. Sees a reply to his post come through with something like shock. In the seven years he’s been teaching this class nobody has ever responded to his tweet - skeet, post, whatever - about the syllabus. He’s not convinced anyone’s ever actually read his syllabus before they show up in class the first week of the semester. ____________________ @ebuckley.bsky.social Are you running nap time up there in Reno? #inquiringmindswanttoknow He stares at it and has no idea how to respond. Hadn’t honestly expected to hear from Evan Buckley ever again, except maybe in passing from Hen or Chim. Except he doesn’t talk to them that much any more, and Evan had never come up before, no reason he’d come up now. Types and deletes and retypes a response - trying to match Evan’s tone, even though he’s always been terrible at reading tone when he can’t see the person saying the thing. Thomas Kinnard, Prof. American Military History, UNV @tkinnard.bsky.social Are you implying I’m boring? Stares at the screen and waits for a response. Gets one immediately, like Evan had also been waiting for a response. Isn’t sure what to make of that. If he should make anything of it. Maybe Evan’s just bored. ____________________ @ebuckley.bsky.social I would never call you boring. Your syllabus, on the other hand…

I'm late, so open tag to anyone who wants to play.

#911 #buck/tommy #academic!AU

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jecook · 23 days ago

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Dabihawks Fanfic Recs #3

(In no particular order) Fic Rec List #1 Fic Rec List #2 Fic Rec List #4 LoV Found Family List halcyon phanatics Complete Rating: E Words: 44,109 Chapters: 4/4 Summary: Since the end of the war, Hawks has spent his summers heading up a youth camp for kids with troublesome Quirks. It’s the least he can do, when the seasons drag in the city and Hawks is escaping ghosts he can’t outrun. This year is looking to be the same as any other. He’s expecting campfires. He’s expecting mosquito bites. He’s expecting to end up in the lake. He’s not expecting Dabi.

Notes: Post-canon camp for kids with difficult quirks really is the perfect place for Touya and Keigo to reconnect mid-healing process. They’re doing better, but not perfect. phanatics captures them at the perfect moment to craft a cathartic story. Truly, the post-canon we deserved. Read “halcyon” to be healed <3

Summer Smoke Aymee Incomplete Rating: E Words: 12,527 Chapters: 3/? Summary: Hawks has changed, and nobody has noticed. Hawks is different, and only Dabi can tell. -a DabiHawks love horrorstory

Notes: Aymee’s horror fic begins with creeping horror that builds into a mysterious you can sink your teeth into. Case fics are always fun to follow along with as they come out, so I suggest getting in on this one early so you can relish the mystery.

Bite The Hand That Steals You lionalice @lionalicelives Complete Rating: T Words: 6,141 Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Dabi wakes up in Ujiko's lab with thoughts of Hawks. The past and present mix together as he tries to get free and stay conscious, but months are passing regardless. It isn't until a Nomu attack that Dabi is able to find out what's happened both to himself and to Hawks.

Notes: I love an eerie story. This one keeps you guessing at what has happened, always with an idea but never able to say exactly what Ujiko has done to our boys. A darker read, but lionalice still leaves us with triumph.

Reddit, AITA? Nocturnalgf Complete Rating: G Words: 8,713 Chapters: 1/1 Summary: I (23M) faked my own death when I was 13. WIBTA if I didn't tell my boyfriend? (A story told through Reddit posts)

Notes: This fic is a delightful series of Reddit posts from across the Todofam and Hawks. Whenever you're looking for a fun read, this is one to open up.

For Better or for Worse pbjamas @pbjamas Incomplete Rating: T Words: 27,657 Chapters: 6/? Summary: In prison after the war, Hawks is an aimless shadow of his old self. Dabi showing up as a fellow inmate doesn’t exactly…fix that, but it sure does do something.

Notes: In reccing this fic, I just noticed this was originally for Hurt Hawks Week. This fic certainly knows how to hurt him–but also how to showcase his cunning and strategy. Plus, his tension with Dabi is palpable, always shifting as they edge closer and closer to romance. This fic has perfect pacing, and I encourage you to read it as it updates to enjoy the suspense.

a preconceived truth jihnari @jihnari Complete Rating: M Words: 2,462 Chapters: 1/1 Summary:

Hawks' approach is languid, his expression is easy and open. Even knowing it's fake, Dabi can't see the cracks in the façade. Horrifying, really. "Hey," Hawks greets as he enters the shadow of the alley. He then proceeds to crash against the brick wall at a glacial pace, face smooshed up against the brick and his shoulders and torso slumping to follow. In half surprise, half genuine glee, Dabi cackles. Hawks' arm twitches at his side like maybe he'd flip Dabi off if he had the strength. Dabi's still chuckling when he asks, "How ya feelin', hero?" "Like shit," Hawks grumbles into the wall. "You look it," Dabi assures him, grinning and pulling out his phone. He came all this way; Hawks can afford to wait a minute while Dabi gets a few pictures.

Trying to get a ride home from a party, Hawks misdials and gets Dabi. Dabi, thinking it'll be fun to see his "favorite hero" drunk out of his mind, agrees to help Hawks get home.

Things get a lot less fun when Dabi realizes Hawks isn't drunk.

Notes: jihnari creates a careful balance between two people who don’t care about each other while maintaining the relationship of a contact and criminal, a spy and his mark. The distance is palpable, while their actions tell a different story. Dabihawks here is a subtle, a delicious flavor for this ship.

The Cat and the Hawk Minako25 Complete Rating: G Words: 16,647 Chapters: 6/6 Summary: While lurking the streets at night, Dabi ends up in a furry menagerie of chaos. Meanwhile on a urgent mission to find a missing child, Hawks misses the elephant in the room. Now villain and hero must get their ducks in a row to resolve the hairy situation they find themselves in. Or Dabi and Hawks get turned into animals and have to work together to rescue a child and turn themselves back into humans. Loosely inspire by Homeward Bound and other transmutation tails.

Notes: This fic is just so cute! Minako moves past several fun characters and settings for a lighthearted adventure that made me smile with every chapter. Read this fic for an easygoing pick-me-up.

Happy reading! Remember to leaves kudos, comments, and subscribe to in-progress fics! Support in-progress fics is, of course, the best way to get more completed works, so don't shy away from incomplete works. Thanks for reading this list <3

#dabihawks #dabihawks fic rec #fic recs #bnha fic rec #bnha #mha #dabi #hawks #takami keigo #todoroki touya #touya todoroki #keigo takami #toukei #if anyone has a tumblr but wasn't tagged pls lmk!

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magalhaessims · 2 years ago

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HARE & HEDGEHOG GYM - MAXIS-MATCH CC BUILD

I always wanted to build a nice gym on Windenburg, but always felt underwhelmed by the lack of workout options in the game. However, after seeing this new CrossFit Set by @syboubou, inspiration hit me like a train! I made sure to include as many activities as possible! And of course, there's a Simsbucks Coffee Shop next to the gym for the after-workout section - because at this point, I'm filling the worlds with as much as I can of it, so it feels like a real franchise LOL.

NOT CC FREE

Lot Type: Gym

Size: 30x20

World: Windenburg

Enable bb.moveobjects before placing in your game!

Origin ID: MagalhaesSims (remember to enable custom content on!) DOWNLOAD

CC USED IN THIS BUILD:

Amoebae: Plastered Style Walls | AroundTheSims4: Bulk Grocery, Sports&Gym | BrazenLotus: Starlight Concrete Sidewalk | Charly Pancakes: Lavish | ClutterCat: Advent Calendar 2022 | Felixandre: Paris Set | Harrie: Brownstone, Brutalist, Coastal, Halcyon, Kwatei, Octave, Shop The Look V2, Spoons, Stockholm | House Of Harlix: Baysic Set & Bathroom Addon, Harluxe, Jardane, Orjanic, The Kichen | KKB-MM: My Hamish Hall | LittleDica: Arcade Set, Country Sleek Bathroom, Greasy Goods, Modern Kitchen, Rise&Grind Coffee House | MAX20: Cozy Bathroom Kit | MLys: MookBook | Water Cooler | MyshunoSun: Lottie, Simmify (2023), Vanity Nook | Peacemaker-ic: Creta Kitchen, Geometric Mural Walls | Piersisim: Auntie Vera, ColdBrew, David Apartment, Domaine Du Clos, MCM House, Winter Garden | RVSN: Functional Vending Machine, Bathroom Clutter | Severinka: Grocery Display | Simkoos: Clutter Dump: 01 & 02, Fiji Water | Sixam-CC: Home Office, Private Schools, Stylish Wood, Teen Room | SYB: Crossfit Reborn | Taurus Design: Chilling Areas: Coffee Corner

The CC Sets above are the main ones I used to decorate this specific building and you can find all the links to the creators' sites on my Resource Page. However, if you couldn't find something specific, you can send me a WCIF and I'll try to help you find it!

HOW TO MAKE IT FUNCTIONAL:

In order to make all the equipment functional at the gym, you have to install the Let's Get Fit Mod, by Cepzid & Hakrabr. With this mod, your sims will be able to use dumbbells, barbells, stationary bikes, etc. Here's a full review video I recommend you watch to see what the mod looks like in the game.

If you want a more immersive experience with this lot, I highly suggest you to download LittleMsSam's Auto Employees Mod. With this mod, NPCs will automatically work at the lot, once you place the correct object for them to appear.

Make sure to read all the information available on the mods pages in order to make it work properly in your game!

My content will always be free and right away available to everyone, but if you want to, you can show your support through my Ko-Fi Page. Your donation will always be much appreciated!

Credits: @pictureamoebae @aroundthesims @brazenlotus @charlypancakes @thecluttercat @felixandresims @harrie-cc @kkbsmm @littledica @maxsus @mlyssimblr @myshunosun @peacemaker-ic @pierisim @ravasheencc @simkoos @imfromsixam @syboubou @taurusdesign

Thank you to @mmoutfitters @maxismatchccworld @public-ccfinds @emilyccfinds @s4-builds @alwaysfreecc and everyone else for reblogging!

#the sims 4 #ts4 maxis match #ts4 cc build #ts4 build #ts4 windenburg #ts4 gym #ts4 cafe #ts4 community lot #build #download

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mangofresca · 3 months ago

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halcyon | 18+

Romano feels like he’s dancing in his sleep, that shifting, swaying motion like waves across the beach and toes dragging through sand, like water and rhythm pulling his chest high, his shoulders low, stretching out his hips, his knees, his ankles. The soft cotton of his pillowcase scratches and tickles at his cheekbone when he turns his head into it, wisping itself against his clavicle, and he sighs against it, lets it swallow his breath the same way it swallows the heat of his body, an echo of warmed contentment and easy dreaming.

The mattress beneath him dips, and he almost pushes away the palm that slides across his stomach, his sternum, but it’s warm, too, and Romano always liked being warm, and he liked being warm beneath this hand even more. He leans into it, instead, keeps his eyes closed, and he makes a small noise that’s half deliberate and half desultory—because he does mean to acknowledge Spain, but he doesn’t mean to acknowledge him like a cat waking from a nap in lazy, dozy sunbeams, purring.

But that’s fine. That’s fine. He knows Romano sometimes sounds like that when he’s waking, and even not, just sometimes when he’s beneath the pads of Spain’s fingers, and Romano feels fine when the mattress dips again and Spain hovers over him, knees sweetly nudging his apart.

Romano keeps his eyes closed when lips skim his jaw, keeps himself ensconced in the soft sunlight that shines itself across his eyelids. It’s good like this, he thinks. It’s nice. He can hear himself breathe with an awareness he never really has when he’s around Spain, always too preoccupied with other things, irrelevant things—what he’s doing, what he’s not, what he could be doing to Spain, instead. He likes being conscious of it, of his body and his reactions, and he sighs again when that palm moves to his side, his rib cage and lower, fingers skimming over his thigh as they drag heated sheets down, away.

There’s a laugh twinkling in his ear, something bright and charmed, and his skin pricks with cognizance when he feels the breath of it, lips curving into a smile against his cheek. “Awake yet?”

Spain speaks his vowels in a whisper, his consonants always catching on the tip of his tongue, and Romano’s shoulder shifts back in a shiver, presses into the bed when soft breeze meets skin, humid and carrying the smell of midmorning sunrise.

He makes a noise again, some groaned mhm that rumbles itself up his chest and out his throat, that gets lost somewhere around his lips when the heat of Spain’s laughter leaves his cheek and instead drifts across his nipple—and the gasp that leaves him is a surprised one.

He feels stupid like this, naïve, foolish, as if he isn’t war- and weather-worn, born and raised in the echoing, thundered footsteps of the Roman Empire, older than the New World and older still, as if his own sand dunes aren’t his brothers, the rolling fields his sisters. But this is his life now: homes across his country and Spain’s, furnished with soft beds and yellow kitchens and flowing curtains that always let the light in, because neither of them ever really do well when away from the sun, too used to its bite to go without for longer than a day, two. He wakes, now, to sheets that settle across the curves of his body, to someone in his bed, wiggling his legs until they settle around tanned hips, to sea-chapped lips that hum the song of his name until he is something melodious, made of more than sinew and sand, of memory.

Spain whispers his name, a question carried softly through balmy air and that sounds so fucking in love Romano almost opens his eyes, almost gives into the needling whine of it—

But Spain always did his best work when given a task, and Romano knows Spain has no qualms about being set to work on Romano, no end to the things he would let Spain do to him, and though his mouth goes dry as Spain nips at his throat and presses a finger against him, he can only find the energy to laugh, just dry air, enough to breathe Spain in, too.

When Spain dips down and kisses him, Romano kicks the sheets up and over Spain’s back. They are still warm, and so is he.

#aph romano #hws romano #aph spain #hws spain #spamano #hetalia #hetalia fanfiction #mango minifics #listen i am by no means back yet. i have been traveling for so long and i am beyond dead on my feet #BUT!!!! i do have some little snippets and minifics i do plan on posting in the coming weeks while i turn my attention to #Other Adult Responsibilities™️ (grad school. i have grad school applications to do. and i Despise personal statements. and CVs.)#think of this as along the same veins as beneath the yellow tiles and red wine and honey. similar vibes. just not as...explicit #but still. 18+ just to be safe pls. bc i worry :(#hopefully this can be a little reminder that i am alive. and still here. kinda. pls dont forget about me :(((

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justagalwhowrites · 8 months ago

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Halcyon - Ch. 13: You’re Not What I Would Call Nurturing

Anna gives birth and caring for a newborn is even harder than you expected. A continuation of Halcyon from the prologue through Ch. 12, a modern no outbreak AU TLOU fic found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Mild near smut, non-graphic depiction of childbirth, childcare struggles. Modern No Outbreak AU, No use of Y/N, Slow burn, 18+ only, Minors DNI

Length: 8.7k

AO3 | Main Master List | Prologue | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

April, 2018

Gale had been holed up in his home office since you got home and your excitement was starting to exhaust your patience.

He liked to have his space when he was writing. Then, so did you, and he respected it. Well, usually respected it. You did your best to do the same. But it had been hours now. You’d resigned yourself to having dinner alone, setting aside a plate for him, and waited for Gale to emerge so you could talk to him. It hadn’t happened, not even to use the bathroom or get a glass of water.

You set your book on your legs, rapping your fingers along the cover of it and worrying at your lip. You really didn’t want to sit here, holding everything in, any longer.

You put in your bookmark and set the novel you’d barely been able to pay attention to aside, going to the kitchen for a bottle of sparkling water and a protein bar to bring your husband.

“Hey you,” you smiled, peeking into his office after knocking once on the door. He glanced up from his desk, brows raised, head bent so low you could see where his hair was thinning.You came all the way into his office, walls lined with bookshelves and surfaces stacked high with paper. You held up the water and protein bar like an offering. “I haven’t heard you come out in a while and it’s getting late. Thought you should eat at least something tonight.”

“Thanks,” he said, looking back down at the pages in front of him. You took it as permission to come closer, so you did, setting the food down next to his computer before perching on the edge of his desk. You crossed your ankles in front of you and held onto the desktop, rapping the underside of it with your fingernails in a sharp rhythm.

Gale sighed, setting the page he was reading down and crossing his arms on his desktop, leaning on it before giving you a small smile as he looked up at you.

“Something on your mind, baby doll?” He asked, brows raised, looking like he was trying his best to restrain his amusement.

“Maybe,” you teased a little, not able to stop the smile on your face. “Remember how I had that doctor’s appointment earlier today?”

“Think so,” he frowned. “Why? Did everything go well?”

“It went great,” you smiled. “I actually… well, instead of it just being a check up, I asked her to check for a few things…”

Gale frowned further before he took the bait.

“Check for what?” He asked.

“Check and see if I’m in a good place to have a baby,” you tried to keep from acting too excited about it but you were. You were practically giddy. “She said everything looked good. Great, in fact. And… well, I was thinking… you have that sabbatical coming up in, what, two years? Wouldn’t it be great if we could spend it together? I can take some time off, my book should be well and launched by then, you can work on your next book and we can spend a lot of time just you, me and… and a baby.”

He watched you for a moment, an almost amused look on his face before he laughed a little.

“Are you being serious?” He asked.

“Yeah,” your smile faltered a bit. “Yeah, I figured that… you know, we’re not getting any younger, we’re at a good spot career wise, my body is apparently in prime baby making territory…”

“Sure, the timing is great if we were going to do it but,” he laughed once and shook his head, turning his face to his lap for a moment before looking back to you, a serious expression on his face. He took your hands in his, giving them a squeeze. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but… Do you really think having children is a good idea for you?”

You couldn’t stop your smile from falling this time, eyes searching his.

“What?” You asked quietly.

“Honey, just…” He sat back a little and sighed. “Look. You’re… I love you. That’s why I married you and you’re an extraordinary woman in so many ways. You make me the best possible version of myself and I’m grateful for that every day but… You’re not what I would call nurturing.”

You frowned.

“But…”

“It’s not a bad thing, necessarily,” he said, as though you hadn’t spoken at all. “You’re just far more concerned with what’s in your head or on the page than about something like children. Do you really think you’d do a good job with a child? Be honest with yourself. Do you think you’d be able to make the sacrifices necessary and put them first? Or would you fail and make them pay the price? And then there’s everything with your mental health - we both know how you can get sometimes and you clearly got it from your mother - I doubt you want to pass that on to a child or burden one with it when you’re having a rough patch…”

“But,” you said again, feeling the pinch of tears in your eyes. “I thought… don’t you want kids?”

“Of course I do,” he shrugged. “But I decided I wanted you more. I went into this marriage with eyes wide open, I knew I wouldn’t be having children with you and I decided that you were worth the sacrifice.”

You tried to keep from crying but felt a tear slip down your cheek, anyway, as you stared down toward your feet.

“Hey,” he said, getting up and putting his hand to your nape, pulling your head up to look him in the eye. “It’s alright. I don’t hold it against you. I made my peace with it a long time ago. And it’s better if we just don’t have them instead of ruining them, right?”

“Right,” you sniffed and he kissed you on the forehead before stepping back from you.

“I’m going to try to finish this chapter research before bed,” he said. “I’m getting close but it’ll still be a bit, I’ll see you upstairs. Thank you for bringing me something to eat, I lost track of time.”

“Sure,” you said, going to the door like you were on autopilot. You paused, your fingers on the knob before looking back at him. “I love you.”

He was silent, looking over his papers, lost in his work again.

“Gale?”

“Hm?” He looked up, brows raised.

“I love you.”

“Oh,” he said absently, looking back down at the page. “I love you, too.”

You looked at your husband for another second, trying to accept that he would not, in fact, be the father of your children before you left him to his writing and went to bed alone.

April, 2023

You buried your face in his shoulder, straining to keep your nails from digging into his back, the cotton of his shirt bunching between your fingers as your hips canted up to grind against him. He licked and sucked at your neck, arms wrapped around your back, pressing your front tightly to his and he moaned as he worked his hard cock still trapped in his jeans down against your mound.

“Fuck,” he panted, his mouth working his way over your neck to your jaw, wet on your tender skin and you tried to let yourself get in lost in him.

It was hard, though. For one, you knew you should hold back. It wasn’t the right time to start sleeping with someone, life was too complicated without adding that into a relationship. For another, you hadn’t had sex since Gale and the thought of taking your clothes off in front of someone new made your heart race - and not in a good way. And, finally, there was something not quite right about him.

Maybe it was his cologne, maybe it was the timbre of his voice, maybe it was the fact that he just didn’t feel right in your arms or between your legs but you just couldn’t make yourself want Stephen.

At least, not in the way you wanted Joel.

Not that you were proud of that. The opposite, in fact. You tried your damndest to bury that feeling deep and low inside yourself after the incident in Dallas. You didn’t WANT to want Joel. It hurt to want Joel. It always had and that didn’t change after that morning.

You were still half entwined with Joel and trying not to panic when Sarah started knocking on the bedroom door, saying she was hungry and that she wanted to go somewhere that would have chocolate milk for breakfast and also could she try a coffee if you went to Starbucks since she was now basically a teenager and was tired after being out so late the night before at the concert.

The two of you scrambled away from each other, your panties sticky and wet and you could feel the heat rising in your face. How could you have done this? Dry humped yourself to orgasm on your best friend?

“It’s OK,” Joel said again, eyes wide and voice quiet. “Let’s just… we get back home and…”

“Hey guys?” Sarah called through the door for the second time in as many minutes. “Is my Ears Tour shirt in there? I want to wear it.”

“I got it baby girl,” Joel said, grabbing the bag and going for the door and then it was the three of you again. You weren’t alone with Joel until you stopped for gas in West, Sarah running inside to use the bathroom and start picking out kolache from the bakery case while Joel filled up the truck.

His eyes darted over to you, like you were something volatile and unknown, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket.

“Look,” he said eventually, decidedly not looking at you. “What… what happened… Goldie, I… You should know…”

“It’s fine,” you cut him off quickly. You didn’t think you could bear hearing him say what a mistake you were for the umpteenth time in your life. “Like you said, it doesn’t have to mean anything. Right?”

He looked at you then - actually looked at you, his brown eyes warm and deep and soft - something almost sad on his face that passed so quickly you weren’t sure it happened at all.

“Right,” he said after a moment. “You’re right.”

“I’d rather this didn’t…” you tried to find the words. “I really don’t want this to blow things up with you this time. I don’t want to go no contact or… whatever it is that happens with us when… when we…”

“It’s alright,” he cut you off, turning to watch the numbers tick up on the gas pump. “We just… pretend it never happened.”

“Right,” you said.

“Right,” he said back and you headed inside to find Sarah.

When you made it back to Austin, you hugged Sarah goodbye, picked up Puck and gathered your stuff from the back of the truck, Joel carrying your bag to your car for you.

“I know we said pretend it never happened,” he said after he’d put your duffle in the back seat. “But… I think it might be good if we had some space.”

“Space?” You asked, your heart sinking.

“Just… just a few days,” he said. “I think… I think I need it. Just a few days, though.”

“A few days,” you said, hesitant.

“Yeah,” he said. “I just… I gotta get my shit right.”

You didn’t really know what to say to that so you just nodded. Joel looked relieved.

“Thanks,” he said awkwardly. “I… I really don’t want to lose you again, Goldie.”

“I don’t want to lose you, either,” you said.

“Good,” he said, turning and going toward his house before turning to face you, walking backwards as he did. “See you soon.”

You smiled a little.

“Sure, Joel.”

“Like… Like two days,” he said.

You laughed.

“OK.”

“Three, tops.”

“Three tops,” you repeated.

You went home and tried to distract yourself. You unpacked right away, put a grocery order in on Instacart and sat on the floor, shining a laser pointer on your legs and watching Puck try to pounce on it. Joel needed space. What the fuck did that mean? Why would he need space if it didn’t matter?

It did matter to you. That’s why space was probably a good idea for you. You didn’t want it but it was a good idea. You clearly couldn’t be trusted within a few feet of Joel without losing your fucking mind so space was smart. But why did Joel need it?

He wasn’t into you, at least not in the way you were into him. He’d made that plenty clear over the years. Every time something had happened, it was a mistake. You were a mistake. But… it kept happening. Did he want to fuck you against his better judgement? He’d always been a physical guy, with you and anyone else he cared about. He’d jumped from girl to girl in high school and, judging from the fact that Sarah existed but her mom was long gone, you figured he’d done the same after you’d gone away until responsibility came knocking.

Maybe everything between the two of you had just been a carry over from that. You knew he loved you as a friend and you were happy with that, you really were. Maybe it was just his affection for you and the fact that he wasn’t getting laid anywhere else that made him keep doing things he regretted with you and you were so, so tired of being something he regretted.

“Hey,” you said, scooping your cat up so his head was level with yours, a look of indignity on his small orange face. “Why am I like this? Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

He just pressed one pink-padded paw to your nose and you sighed.

“Well if you don’t have an answer…” you trailed off before kissing his little cat head and setting him back down.

You gave Joel the space he wanted. You didn’t call, you didn’t text, you didn’t even send him the stupid video you saw on TikTok that made you think of him.

In the mean time, you tried to write your book even though seemed to delete everything not long after it was down on the page. You saw Stephen. You tried not to text Gale. And, when Joel did text a few days later - just a picture of the Whataburger menu with a question mark - it made you feel better than you had in days.

Things went back to business as usual after that. You never talked about what happened in the hotel room with Joel. You certainly didn’t mention it to Stephen. You just tried your best to ignore the fact that the best orgasm you’d had in years happened as you fucked yourself against your best friend’s dick when you were half asleep.

But as much as you tried to pretend like that hadn’t happened, your body knew that it had. Joel had smelled so good and felt so good and Stephen just didn’t compare. No matter how much you wanted him to.

“We should stop,” you panted, voice drawn tight, hands moving to brace against Stephen’s chest. He groaned and went limp on top of you and you laughed.

“You’re killin’ me woman,” he said, sitting up from you enough to kiss you softly on the lips before moving to the other end of the couch and awkwardly adjusting his jeans.

“I know,” you winced as you sat up, too, pulling your knees into your chest. “I’m sorry, it’s just… I’m basically moving in with my sister tomorrow and I’ll be there for who knows how long while she gets settled with the baby and it’s just… it’s not the right time and…”

“Hey,” he said gently, reaching out and giving your foot a squeeze. “You don’t have to explain it. You said you needed to go slow, I’m OK with that. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel ready for.”

You smiled a little, willing your heart to at least try and flutter at this kind, smart, handsome man who was saying and doing all the right things.

“Thank you,” you said. “That really does mean a lot.”

“Hope things go well for your sister,” he said. “And not just because, selfishly, I know I get you back sooner if it does.”

“Good to know you care about the welfare of infants outside your personal gain,” you said wryly, smirking a little.

He laughed.

“I know, it’s what makes me such a good guy,” he said. “When’s Anna due again?”

“Two weeks from tomorrow,” you sighed.

“Isn’t you basically moving in tomorrow then a bit early?” He frowned.

“Well, she might come early,” you said. “It sounds like she’s going to be a big baby. Trust me, I’m not exactly eager to go stay with my sister but…”

“You might like it more than you think,” he said. You looked at him, skeptical. He laughed. “Family’s weird that way.”

“One can hope,” you said.

You walked him out, kissing him goodbye at the door and wishing you felt something more as you did. Before you went to bed, you looked through your bags to make sure you had everything you needed and, eventually, settled in with your phone in hand, Puck curling up next to you. He nuzzled into the crook of your elbow, tucking his tail into his body before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

“What do you have to sigh about?” You asked. He adjusted, spreading his little toes out before settling again. “A likely story.”

You scrolled mindlessly through your phone when you got a text from Joel with a photo attached. You opened it. He was in bed, too, with the TV on, the first Curtis and Viper on the screen.

The TV edit is bullshit.

You laughed a little.

You can just put on the copy you own, you know.

Yeah, but where’s the fun in that? And then I’d have to get up… much rather watch Curtis say “get plucked” 50 times than do that.

You snorted.

Lazy ass.

Lazy ass? I’m getting old, respect your elders.

“Jesus,” you said to yourself, shaking your head.

You hesitated for a second, debating about what to say next. Eventually, you just bit the bullet.

I miss you.

There was a pause before he texted back, long enough that you wondered if you should try to take it back, maybe make a joke of it. And then, he responded.

I miss you too, Goldie.

You were trying to figure out how to respond when he called you.

“It’s pushing midnight,” you said by way of greeting.

“Way past my old man bedtime,” he agreed. “Channel 62.”

You sighed but turned on the TV all the same, finding the station just in time to hear Curtis say “get plucked” to some henchman before gunning him down.

“Oh that’s bad,” you laughed.

“Told you.”

You watched the movie with Joel that way for a while, laughing and joking and providing commentary on the stupider parts until the love scene came on. You fidgeted in your bed, the campy sequence somehow still arousing because you knew Joel was listening.

“You’re going to tell me when she has the baby, right?” He said as the couple on screen undressed each other.

“I can tell you,” you smiled a little. “Assuming Anna doesn’t change her mind about that.”

“Good,” Joel said. “Haven’t held a baby in a while, I miss it.”

“Awww big bad Joel Miller secretly loves babies,” you teased, trying not to picture Joel holding a tiny Sarah because you thought your heart might explode if you did. “Who knew?”

“Hey, babies are cute as hell,” he said, mockingly defensive. “And they smell good. And they make these adorable little noises. Am I supposed to not love babies? What am I, a monster?”

“I will let you abuse your connection to me to snuggle my niece,” you smiled a little.

“Yeah, you better,” you could hear him smiling, too.

You switched off your lamp but let the TV on and laid down, Puck looking at you indignantly before adjusting so he was curled against your chest.

“You know if Anna or, you know if… if you need help with her,” Joel said, almost hesitantly. “You can always call me. It took a while to know what to do but I like to think I got pretty good at the single parent thing.”

You smiled a little, feeling overly tired.

“You’re very good at it.”

“Got the world’s greatest dad mug and everything to prove it,” he said. “I know it seems like a lot right now, Goldie, but it will be OK. Promise it will.”

Your eyes got heavy during the climax of the movie, laughing sleepily with Joel and nodding off before the credits. It was a few hours later when an unnaturally loud commercial jerked you awake, your phone still sitting next to your head on the pillow.

You groaned and sat up, turning off the TV. Puck had moved, probably bounding through the house somewhere at some imagined prey, and you got up to use the bathroom, bringing your phone with you. Out of curiosity, you checked the time the call with Joel had ended but frowned. Judging from the length, it seemed like it went on for a while after you’d fallen asleep. You went to text him but, instead, found a series of texts from Anna.

Hey, are you still up?

Guess not… FYI, feeling weird.

There was a break and then another text had come through just half an hour earlier.

OK these are either those fake contraction things or I’m in labor

“Oh fuck,” you said to yourself, quickly going to wash your hands before calling her but she beat you to it, your phone springing to life on your vanity, the vibration making it jump across the marble. You wiped your hand quickly on your pajamas and answered.

“Not the fake contractions!” Anna said quickly instead of a hello. “Sorry, I know 4 a.m. isn’t a great time but…”

“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” you said, walking quickly to your bedroom and taking off your pajama pants as best as you could with one hand. “How far apart are they?”

“Eight minutes?” She said more like a question. “I think? But they’re strong enough that I can’t talk or walk during…”

“OK we have a little time,” you said, breathing a little easier as you grabbed a clean pair of underwear and leggings from your drawer. “I’m just throwing my clothes on, my bags are already packed, I’ll be there so soon. Just… unlock your front door and lie down on the couch and I’ll be right there.”

“I can do that,” she said, sounding a little panicked. “Thank you. For everything, I couldn’t do this on my own, I know I couldn’t and just… thank you.”

You smiled a little.

“Of course,” you said. “OK, I’m going to let you go but I’ll see you soon. You’ve got this, Anna. You do.”

You got dressed as quickly as you could before checking that Puck’s food and water bowl would be at least set for the day and jogging to your car, bags in hand.

Anna had done as you’d asked, unlocking her door so you didn’t need to fumble with keys in the dark and you found her in the middle of a contraction on her couch when you came in, grimacing and moaning in pain with her hands around the bottom of her stomach as she did.

“Hey, you’re OK,” you said, running to the couch and kneeling at her side. “Want my hand?”

She nodded frantically and you held it out. She squeezed it so tight you thought your knuckles might crack. As the contraction lessened, she took a deep breath, her face already shiny with sweat. “Think we can get you sat up and moved to the car?”

“Yeah,” she said. “But watch out, my water broke when I was unlocking the door, it’s wet over there.”

You almost laughed at that.

“That’s alright,” you said, helping her sit up. “It’s tile, think it will live. We’ll get you to the car and I’ll mop when we’re home with you and baby girl. You ever going to tell me her name?”

“I want to meet her first,” she said. “Think it’s weird for someone else to know her name before she does.”

“Makes sense,” you nodded, looping her arm around your shoulders and notching yourself into her underarm. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” she said, nodding. “I’m ready.”

“Then let’s go have a baby.”

Her contractions were seven minutes apart when you reached the hospital and they got her back to a labor and delivery room quickly, hooking her up to what seemed like countless machines as you sat there and watched, feeling more helpless than you had since you watched your marriage fall to pieces at your feet.

You realized, as Anna labored and nurses walked her through it, just how much you’d grown accustomed to being able to take things on for her. When she had an issue with her phone bill couldn’t figure it out? You called and handled it. When she wanted an NA meeting closer to her office? You tracked one down. When she was shopping for everything for the nursery? You looked up the safety ratings and handed over your credit card at Buy Buy Baby. It had always been that way. When her grades tanked, you tutored her. When she had a bully at school, you stepped in. When she wanted a snack while your mom was at work, you made it. If you could do it for Anna, you did. This was different. This, you couldn’t do for her.

But you did everything you could. You did everything they taught you in lamaze classes and gave her ice chips and got the nurse when she needed help you couldn’t provide. Still, you felt decidedly useless when, more than 12 hours after you got to the hospital, her daughter came into the world with sharp, angry little cries. She was slick and red and wailing, tufts of dark hair on her tiny head, her small limbs flung out from her little body and she was beautiful.

“Congratulations, Mama,” the doctor smiled, putting the baby on Anna’s chest. “It’s a girl.”

Anna sobbed and smiled as she held her daughter, cradling her close.

“Hi there little one,” she whispered down to her. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

The baby cried even louder, the sound sharp and cracking, and Anna laughed wetly.

“Yeah,” she said. “You tell ‘em, Ellie.”

“Ellie?” You asked, trying to keep from fully crying but failing miserably.

“Yeah,” she said, still looking down at the tiny figure in her arms. “Ellie.”

The three of you got to know each other, Ellie rarely resting anywhere but in either of your arms. A few friends of Anna’s came by to meet her and Joel and Sarah did, too, Joel texting to ask what Anna was craving after spending the day in labor.

“Fried chicken!” She said. “With everything. And Dr. Pepper. Maybe a milkshake? Oh, and a burger if it’s not too much trouble.”

The two of them came with bags of food so comically large you couldn’t help but laugh as they brought them in, Sarah trailing balloons along behind her.

“Someone saw these in the gift shop so we had to stop for them,” Joel said, nodding to the balloons as he set down the heaping piles of food. “Here, baby girl, gimme those…”

He tied them off on the rail of Anna’s bed while Sarah fawned over the sleeping newborn.

“She’s so small,” she gaped down at her. “That’s insane.”

Joel came and stood behind her, putting a large hand on her shoulder.

“You were that size once, baby girl,” he said, sounding a little choked up. “You were a tiny thing, seemed like you fit in the palm of my hand.”

“That’s just because you have freakishly large hands,” you said.

“Shut it,” he gave you a look and you smiled.

While you and Anna ate, Joel showed carefully showed Sarah how to hold a baby, how to support her tiny head and how babies liked when you moved with them.

“See?” He said, sitting next to you on the little couch beneath the window as Sarah delicately cradled little Ellie. “You got it.”

“That’s just because she’s perfect,” she said, staring down at the baby before her eyes went wide with excitement and she looked between her dad and Ellie’s mom. “Can I babysit? I promise, I’ll take such good care of her and…”

“We can talk about that when both of you are a little older,” Joel laughed. “Glad to know you’re ready to start contributing to the household though. Have to start charging you rent…”

“Ha ha,” she rolled her eyes before looking back to the baby.

Joel held her next and you couldn’t help but stare at him as he did. He seemed so impossibly large compared to her, able to hold the tiny bundle that was your niece easily in his large hands, a look of awe and total adoration on his face as he did. But he was so beautiful, too. The gentle way he held her, the way he looked at her, the way he just seemed to be so happy to be caring for something so vulnerable, it made your heart ache with a want you’d long ago tried to set aside.

“He’s such a sucker for babies,” Sarah said, perching on the couch next to you and helping herself to a french fry. “He’s so weird.”

“Must be because you were a perfect kid from birth,” you teased and Sarah smiled, smug, as Joel scoffed.

“Please, if anything it’s in spite of her,” he said, still staring down at Ellie. “She had colic, seemed to love to pee right as I was changin’ her…”

“Hey!” Sarah said.

“But you were still the most amazing thing I’d ever seen,” he said, looking at his daughter before looking back to Ellie. “This one might be a close second, though. Good job, Mama.”

“Thank you,” Anna said proudly, sitting up a little straighter. “Actually, would you mind giving her to me? I’m going to try and nurse…”

“Alright, I’ll hand her over and I won’t make you fight me for her but only because you just gave birth,” he said. “Next time though…”

Anna laughed good naturedly as Joel gently laid the baby in her arms.

“Alright, kiddo,” he said. “Let’s get out of their hair, give them some time to relax.”

He and Sarah gathered up the trash from dinner and you walked them to the elevator, Sarah pressing her face against the nursery window to look at the babies as you went.

“And how are you doing?” He asked as he waited for the elevator.

“Me?” You asked, brows raised. “I’m fine, I didn’t just push a human being out of my body.”

Joel laughed a little.

“I know but still. It’s a lot. You OK?”

You thought for a moment about how powerless you’d felt as Anna brought Ellie into the world, how you wished your mother had been here because she was better equipped than you’d ever be, how you didn’t know how to help raise her without finding some way to ruin her.

“I’m alright,” you said instead of saying any of that. “I’ll get them home and settled and then we’ll just… see how it goes, I guess?”

“That’s all you can do,” he said, watching you with an almost soft look in his eyes. “Meant what I said before. Don’t matter what time it is, don’t matter what you need, we’ll figure it out. Did it before, I can do it again. And so can you.”

“Thank you,” you said, letting yourself almost fall into him. He hesitated for a moment but wrapped himself around you, his arms almost swallowing you.

“You’ve got this, Goldie girl,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to your temple. “Know you do.”

He had to practically drag Sarah away from looking at all the babies and as you watched the elevator doors close, you wondered what you’d ever done without him.

Anna and Ellie were released the next day and you drove them to Anna’s house at a snail’s pace, trying to press the break as gently as possible when approaching a light so you wouldn’t jostle the precious cargo in the back seat.

At first, things went well. Or as well as it could when there were two people with basically no experience with children trying to care for an infant. Ellie didn’t need much, after all. She mostly slept, ate and pooped.

And cried. She definitely, definitely cried.

By day three, you were starting to get worried about the lack of sleep for both you and for Anna. You knew how exhausted you felt, how delayed your movements seemed as you tried to go through your routine on just two or three hours of sleep for the third day in a row. Anna, you knew, had to have it worse. She’d just given birth, after all, and was still recovering. On top of that, she was nursing Ellie.

Or she was trying to, at least.

After you’d left the hospital, Ellie had been reluctant to latch. She’d been doing an OK job of it before but now she seemed to do nothing but reject her mother’s breast or pull away quickly while wailing, her small face scrunching and getting red as she screamed.

“I know, I know, I know,” Anna said in the afternoon on the fourth day, bouncing Ellie on her shoulder and sounding on the verge of tears. “I’m sorry, I’m trying! I know you’re hungry, I know!”

“Maybe we can do formula?” You said, anxiously picking at a ragged cuticle as you watched your sister pace. “It’s better if she eats at all…”

“I should be able to fucking do this!” Anna snapped. “I’m her goddamn mother, I should be able to feed her!”

“You can,” you said, trying to soothe her. “Just… do the formula, I’ll make up a bottle, at least until we can get in to see the lactation specialist. That’s what it’s for. It’s OK, then you’re feeding her…”

“No, you’re feeding her,” she spat. “You bought the formula! You bought the formula and her crib and her goddamn onesie! Because I fucking failed at that, too!”

“You didn’t fail at anything!” You said. Anna had stopped bouncing Ellie and her cries got louder. “I know it’s hard right now but it’s going to get better, it is.”

“I need a break,” she stalked over to you, passing the baby off and all but storming out of the room. You bounced Ellie, who kept wailing, and you resisted the urge to cry yourself before going to make her a bottle.

It was that afternoon, one of the few hours a day that Ellie wasn’t crying and was instead sleeping - but not content to do it anywhere but on your chest - that you checked your phone. You had some general messages from Joel, check ins and funny pictures and offers to bring by dinner, and an update from Alyssa with information about the classes she was covering for you. There was also a text from Gale, one that sounded almost ominous.

I think I’ll always regret how things played out with you.

You frowned and considered texting back. You’d sent him basically nothing in months, only responding when he had a question about something related to the divorce - even though you knew that should really be going through your attorneys, but it was so hard to resist talking to him when you had the excuse. This text, however, seemed different.

You opened Facebook, hoping to go to his page and find some kind of hint but you didn’t even need to go that far. Sitting at the top of your newsfeed was a picture he’d been tagged in just a few hours ago, his arm around your younger, prettier replacement except, in this picture, her stomach was round, a blue dress tight over the swell near her hips as he looked at her, a tranquil smile on his face.

“Our soon to be party of three!” She had written on the post. “Baby boy Newton, coming this July!”

You just stared at your phone, heart racing as your stomach felt hollowed out. Gale was having a baby. Something you’d always wanted but he said was a bad idea, had really only been a bad idea because it was with you. You’d always secretly hoped that it was just an excuse, that he didn’t really want children but that wasn’t it. It was you. You were the problem.

Ellie stirred from her place against your chest, starting to squirm and you could feel her start getting herself worked up.

“It’s OK baby girl,” you said, your voice thick and wet. “Let’s see how you’re doing, see if you need a diaper and if we can let your mom sleep a little while longer, OK?”

As you tried to calm her down, you couldn’t help but remember what Gale had told you. How you weren’t nurturing, how you couldn’t be selfless enough, how you’d ruin a child. How could you pretend like he was wrong? As you clutched tight to your screaming, squirming niece and tried to get her to settle or eat, how could you say that you would do anything but fail her?

“Are you OK?” Anna asked a little while later when she emerged, groggy, from her room to find you with red eyes and a tear-streaked face and her daughter in your arms.

“Fine,” you said, bouncing Ellie. “I’m fine.”

You couldn’t tell her what Gale had said - Gale had known - about you. Not right now, not when Anna was already stressed and worried enough. You’d just have to deal with it and with the crying baby who was in your care.

And Ellie basically never stopped crying. You’d get a few hours of blessed quiet in a day but it seemed like, if she was conscious, she was screaming. You were coming up on the end of the first two weeks of her life with little understanding as to why she wasn’t able to settle and you needed to get back to work for a few days to finish out the semester.

“You’re seriously going to leave me here with her?” Anna asked, her eyes wide.

“Just for a week,” you said. “I have to do exam review, final project presentations and office hours before exam week. I have to, Anna, I’m sorry. I can see if I can find a nanny for a few days…”

“No,” she shook her head. “Don’t. I can do this. I need to be able to do this.”

“If you start feeling overwhelmed,” you frowned but she cut you off.

“She’s my daughter,” she said. “I can take care of my own damn daughter.”

Anna insisted you go home for the work week, wanting to try things on her own since you were going to be gone all day, anyway. You brought your bags so you could do laundry and pack a fresh round of clothes and you found yourself reveling in the silence of your home when you walked into it, closing your eyes and soaking it in.

Joel had picked up Puck while you were at Anna’s and he said he was down to keep him for a while but, after a few hours, it was strange, rattling around your house without another soul in it. No crying baby, no frustrated sister, no playful cat. Just you and your exhaustion as you collapsed into bed.

You checked in on Anna in the afternoons after work and, on Wednesday, went to Joel’s for dinner, Sarah begging you to sneak her more Sprite when Joel got up to use the bathroom halfway through.

“Don’t tell your dad,” you said, filling up her cup from the two liter in the fridge.

“Your secret is safe with me,” she smiled before chugging the first half of the soda before Joel made it back to the table.

You sat on the couch with Joel after dinner, Puck purring furiously on your lap after giving you the silent treatment for the first hour you were there.

“If my kid can’t sleep tonight, that’s on you,” he said as he settled in.

“Why’s that?”

“Because you’re the one who let her have more sugar,” he said as Swiftie jumped on his lap and he started absently petting her. You gaped at him. “Don’t look so shocked. I’ve learned to watch the levels in the Coke bottles around this house with that kid.”

“She could be doing actual coke, you know,” you said.

“At 11?”

You nodded.

“You’ve got it easy,” you said.

He laughed.

“Suppose I do,” he said. “How’s it going with Ellie?”

“She’s still crying like crazy,” you sighed. “It’s constant…”

“I told you I can come help!” He said, incredulous.

“I know!” You replied. “But Anna doesn’t WANT help, she’s insisting she can do it. I’m worried about her, I don’t know how clearly she’s thinking right now…”

“Given how sleep deprived she is?” Joel raised his brows. “Probably not very.”

“I’m this close to just having you come over anyway, whether she likes it or not,” you said. “I don’t want her completely losing herself to this.”

“Bring the kid here for a bit and give her a break,” Joel said. “I can watch ‘er, or I can come there…”

“I appreciate it,” you sighed. “I’ll bring that up to her tomorrow. We have Ellie’s next check up in the afternoon, we’ll see how she’s doing. Maybe the doctor will have a good suggestion, who knows.”

“Hope so,” Joel said. “It’ll be OK. Promise you, it will.”

You almost told Joel about Gale then. About him having a baby with another woman because one of the only people who had ever been able to see you - really, truly see you - saw how bad you would be at this. But you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

Despite Joel’s promise, it didn’t feel like it was going to be OK. Especially not at Ellie’s check up the next afternoon. She had lost a few ounces, moving down the track for weight percentile, and Anna looked like she was about to cry.

“She won’t nurse,” she said, her voice thick. “She doesn’t like the formula, what do I do?”

The doctor gave her some advice that you wrote down, a glassy look on Anna’s face, and drove home, worried that the doctor needed to see Ellie back in less than a week.

“I’m going to ruin my kid,” Anna said when you got her home, Ellie blessedly asleep in her carseat, the only time you could reliably get her to pass out in the back of the car. “I can’t even feed her right, I’m going to destroy her when all I want to do is do the right thing for her.”

“It’ll be OK,” you said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “I can stay over tonight…”

“No,” she shook her head. “May as well finish the week out, right?”

“Sure,” you said uncertainly, “If you change your mind, just call me. I’ll be over in like 10 minutes, just call.”

“Right,” she said, giving you a tight smile before walking you out. “I’m sure it will all work out.”

You felt off all evening as you reviewed the final, frantic emails from students as the semester wound down. You should never have come home like this, you should have just gone to work and gone to Anna’s after whether she liked it or not. You seriously considered packing up and heading over that second but just chewed on the inside of your cheek instead. It was late. You’d be back the next night. Less than 24 hours. Closer to 18 hours, actually. What could really go wrong in 18 hours?

You went back to work but only lasted another few minutes when Anna texted you.

Are you at home?

You frowned at the phone.

Yeah, what’s up? Need me to come over?

She didn’t respond. You drummed your pen against the edge of your desk and tried to hold yourself back from replying. She had an infant at home, after all. She wasn’t staring at her phone.

But after five minutes, you texted again.

Is everything OK? Is Ellie OK? Are you OK?

You stared at the screen, willing her to respond. Another few minutes passed when you saw the bubble pop up, saying she was typing.

Check your front porch.

You frowned, picking up your phone and going to respond when another message appeared.

I’m so sorry.

“Anna?” You said, even though she wasn’t there to hear you. Your heart raced as you frantically called her. It rang once and then went to voicemail. “Fuck!”

You sprinted for your front door, grabbing your keys from the bowl in your entryway and ripping the door open and you stopped in your tracks.

Sitting there, on your front stoop and in her carseat and next to a diaper bag, was Ellie.

“Hey sweetheart,” you said softly, picking up the carrier and folding the handle back, carrying her gently inside and setting the carseat on the kitchen table. “Just going to make sure you’re all OK…”

You pulled back the blanket that had been tucked around her. She was all strapped into the carrier, her little legs and arms pulled in tight to her torso. You almost cried in relief when you saw her tiny chest rising and falling.

“So where’s your mama baby girl?” You asked, watching her as you pulled up Anna’s number and dialed again. This time it rang out. You weren’t sure if that was better or worse.

You tried to keep calm as you texted her.

If you don’t answer I’m calling 911.

You gave her a few seconds to see the message before you called her and she picked up on the first ring this time.

“I told you, I’m sorry,” she said, her voice wet.

“Sorry for what?” You asked. “Anna, just… just come here, we can talk about this…”

“Talk about what?” She cut you off. “About the fact that I can’t do anything right by my own kid? I can’t even fucking feed her right, you heard the doctor today…”

“We can figure it out,” you said quickly. “Doing… whatever it is you’re doing is not the answer. Just come here, we’ll take care of it together, we always do and…”

“No, no there is no we,” she said. “You always fix it, you always handle it, not me. I’m just ruining her, I’m bad for her, I’m not capable of this. She should be yours not mine, she’s… she deserves better than me and…”

“No,” you said, trying not to panic. “No, you’re her mother, what she needs is you! Anna, don’t do this, don’t…”

“It’s not forever,” she said. “I’m just… I’m going away for a little while. I need to be better for her. I’ll come back when I can. Take care of her for me, OK?”

“Anna, no, Anna don’t-“

You didn’t get a chance to finish. She hung up and you frantically tried to call her back but it just went straight to voicemail.

“Fuck,” you teared up, looking down at your infant niece in her carrier. She was so small, she needed so much, so much you weren’t capable of giving her.

You couldn’t remember the last time you’d been this afraid of anything, all the hope and potential carried in Ellie’s tiny body now resting on your shoulders. What were you supposed to do with all of that? When all you were capable of was failing?

You were about to do the only thing he could think to do - call Joel - when Ellie made one of her small noises, one that came just before she started crying and, sure enough, half a second later, she was wailing, her little legs kicking out as she did.

“Hey now,” you said, desperate to soothe her. “You’re OK baby girl. I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you.”

Anna had, at least, left the base to the carseat and a container of formula with the diaper bag on your porch. That, plus the things you’d stocked your house with so you could take Ellie for a few hours or even a day if Anna needed, made it so you could look after her without needing to make a store run for a day or two. You tried to focus on looking after her as best you could even though you had never felt so lost before in your life.

You moved all your office hours for Friday to virtual and did your best to take them with Ellie there, but it was hard. She was inconsolable all day. Every now and then, she would settle against you but then she seemed to realize that you were wrong. You didn’t feel like her mother or smell like her mother and you weren’t who was supposed to be taking care of her. It was like she could sense the thing about yourself that scared you most.

Things got worse as the day wore on. You’d been up with her all night and you’d had to take advantage of her brief periods of sleep to work that day and it seemed like she was getting more and more upset as the night wore on. She shoved her bottle away, her tiny face scrunched tight as she screamed.

“Come on,” you said, crying right alongside her. “You… you have to eat something, I know I’m not your mom but you can’t just… you have to eat, please just eat something I promise you’ll feel better if you do.”

She didn’t listen. She just cried in your arms and all you could think about was what Gale had told you. He’d been right about so many things, of course he was right about this, too.

“Maybe you’re just too worked up,” you said, carrying her to her car seat and setting her gently inside it. “Just… going to try to calm you down, maybe then it’ll be OK.”

You didn’t know if that would work but you were desperate. You carried her to the car and triple checked that she was secure before just driving. She liked the car, she always quieted down in the car. This had to help. It had to.

Something had to.

But it didn’t. You weren’t sure just how long you’d been driving aimlessly, Ellie wailing in the back seat, but you couldn’t keep doing this. Not to her.

You weren’t sure how but you found yourself outside Joel’s house. It was dark outside, the glow of light from inside the houses on his street warm and welcoming and you wished, desperately, that you belonged with that light. That you could be somewhere soft and nurturing and where Ellie would be cared for the way she deserved, not the way you managed to ruin everything you touched.

You gave up on stopping your own tears. Instead, you got out of the car and unhooked Ellie’s carseat from the base, looping your arm through the handle and carrying it to Joel’s front door. You knocked, even though you were sure he could hear the baby crying, and it was only a few seconds before he opened it.

“Goldie?” He asked, looking you up and down, his eyes soft and wide. “What’s going on? What…”

“Please, Joel,” you said, holding the carrier tightly against yourself. “I need your help.”

Next Chapter

A/N: Poor Goldie, Ellie and Anna! Stuff is ROUGH for them right now but don't worry, Joel is now on the scene.

We'll just have to see what a lot of stress and desperation from Goldie while Joel is being hot and paternal makes happen 👀

OK LOVE YOU BYEEEEEE!

Also thank you for reading because you're the best. Truly.

OK now love you bye ❤️

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x oc #halcyon

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